Blind Sight
by Spacefille
Summary: When Leo disappears in an explosion, his family struggles to explain his disappearance. Raphael is willing to do anything to get him back, including making a deal with an old enemy. RaphLeo, angst, hurt comfort.
1. Chapter 1

**Pairing** : Raphael/Leonardo  
**Series** : 2003 cartoon for the most part

**Warnings** : (Temporary) Character Death, hurt/comfort, angst, agressive!Raph.

-

It doesn't hurt me.  
You wanna feel how it feels?  
You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?  
You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?  
You be running up that hill,  
You and me be running up that hill...

And if I only could,  
Make a deal with God,  
And get him to swap our places,  
Be running up that road,  
Be running up that hill,  
Be running up that building.

If I only could...

You don't want to hurt me,  
But see how deep the bullet lies.  
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.  
There is thunder in our hearts.

So much hate for the ones we love?  
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?  
You, be running up that hill  
You and me, be running up that hill  
You and me won't be unhappy.

If I only could...

C'mon, baby, c'mon, c'mon, darling,  
Let me steal this moment from you now.  
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,  
Let's exchange the experience...

- _Placebo_ "Running Up That Hill" (Kate Bush cover)

-

Chapter 1 : Sunset/The End

It was dusk. Brilliant reds and golds washed over the dirty city blocks, bathing them in a beautiful display of color and light. The city seemed peaceful from a distance, tranquil and lovely, with its inhabitants slowing down their activities ever so slightly before starting up again in a city that never slept. It was in this city, in the rundown streets of semi-abandoned warehouses near the docks, that a fight had just broken out.

Her men told her what was happening before she got there. A fight between the gang members formerly known as the Purple Dragons and the turtlemen responsible for the banishment of her father.

Then they said that there was a problem.

What problem? She had asked as she clipped her sword to her belt.

It was a problem of little concern of hers. The warehouse, months before had been home to the splintered remnants of the Foot Soldiers who had rejected her as their new leader when her father had gone. A spy had told them that those men had planted a bomb. The bomb had never gone off, but was left, and now had been tripped by the men fighting. If it went off it would collapse the roof on the hapless inhabitants.

She was torn between leaving the turtlemen and the gang members who had so often been a thorn in their side during her reign over the city. But then she thought better of it. If the demise of her enemies was to come about, she wished to be there in person to witness it.

She brought back up vehicles with her, unwilling to take risks of going in alone. Her and her men disembarked a couple blocks away as to not call any attention to themselves.

They scaled up to the rooftops and leapt across them to approach the location of the fight. She was only a building away when the sound of an explosion was heard. It was so powerful that the building she was standing on shook under her feet. She steadied herself and broke into a run.

"LEONARDO!" she cried out the name of her enemy, coming to a halt at the edge of the building and peering down into the street below. She was just in time to see gang members running out of the building, skittering for cover, among the rubble of the now wreaked warehouse.

None of the turtles emerged after them.

"Survey the rooftops, see if you can spot them!" She ordered a few of her men, motioning a few more to follow her. She leapt down from ledge to ledge to meet the roadside, frowning as she went. In a few short strides she was at the mouth of the gutted building, peering inside. Huge gaping holes in the building gave her the light she needed as she stepped into the building, the sunset painting the ground in red.

Her foot slid out beneath her as she stepped forwards, and she stepped back again. Her sharp eyes picked up the sight of gore, almost black in the dwindling light. She looked up again, following the path of destruction to its source.

It was the remains of a gang member, battered and broken and obviously dead, caught in the shrapnel of the building. She stood again and walked further in, searching. She spotted another human body, and one more, before she saw one that was definitely not human at all.

He was lying, broken, in a pool of blood near where several beams had collapsed. A brother lay near him, thrown clear of the rubble and she pointed to his brother, ordering her men to his side.

She then made her way to Leonardo.

"Alive," one called out to her, looking up from the side of the luckier one. "Broken arm, several cuts but he'll live."

She nodded as she looked down, an odd feeling of sadness washing over her. A hated enemy and once almost friend should not be destroyed so easy, she thought as she scanned his body. He was twisted out of shape, and one of his arms appeared to be nearly severed from his shoulder.

She thought he was dead until a groan told her he was not. She stood above him, watching as his eyes fluttered open and tried to focus on her.

"Karai," he said, so low she had to strain to hear it. He gasped wetly, dark blood coating his lips, and it was then she realized a lung must be punctured. He still forced himself to continue. "Did... Mike...?"

Obviously he was referring to his brother. "He will live," she replied, a bit sharply.

Relief crossed his face, before he frowned again. "I'm... dying," it was more of a statement of fact than a question. He could probably feel his body atrophying already, the organs that had disconnected or had been damaged shutting down, one by one, drawing closer to his brain which would be the last to go...

She nodded anyway. He shut his eyes and she assumed that was the end.

He surprised her by opening his eyes again and drawing in another wet gasp for air. "Karai... promise me..." he had to struggle for air, sheer will forcing him to continue. "That you'll let... my family live. I'm... the one... you want... not... them..."

Her eyes narrowed but she found herself unable to refuse. She granted the creature who had saved her life on many occasions, yet caused her so much pain as well, his final wish. "I will," she said. She knelt. "In exchange for your life," she added.

He didn't say anything more, but a hopeful smile crossed his face and he managed a slight nod before his eyes slid closed for the last time.

She stood. She looked down at him silently, her head bowed before one of her men approached her side. "The other two are trapped on the other side of that wall," he said quietly, making a hand gesture to a large chunk of fallen flooring from the second level that had blocked off the other half of the room. "They'll probably dig themselves out any second now."

She nodded and straightened, staring straight ahead before deciding. "Take him," she said, pointing to Leo. "And let's go."

They obeyed her without question. She watched as they stepped forwards and grasped his battered remains, pulling him up. It was only then she could see that his shell had been shattered, falling from his back in huge clumps as they lifted his body. Her men picked up what they could but still left pieces of him behind. She let them, knowing both that time was short and that his brothers would probably appreciate some of the remains.

"Good bye Leonardo," she said softly as she turned away and silently left the building with her men.

In the distance she could hear the wail of sirens, probably attracted by the sound of the blast. She reached her vehicles before they reached them and grimly ordered several of them to block the law enforcement, while the vehicle carrying his remains sped off towards her home.

A last gift for a fallen enemy. Blocking the police would give the last three brothers an opportunity to escape. She signaled to the men on the roof and waited. One of them signaled back that the turtles had left the warehouse just as the police bore down on them.

She smiled to herself as they sped away into the night to let the NYPD handle the rest. Let the police clean up the mess and, while they were at it, try to interpretate the meaning of pieces of turtle shell at their most deadliest crime scenes. The thought brought a grim smile to her face. She would not want to be a crime scene investigator in this city, that was for certain.

-


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 : Loss

-

Donatello coughed, wondering why he couldn't breathe very well. He hurt, pretty much all over, and his ears were still ringing from the blast. He cracked open his eyes and saw... sky.

Sky. That... wasn't good. He tried to sit up and realized that Raphael laid across him, preventing him from moving. It was the main reason why he was having trouble breathing.

That was when it came back to him in a rush. Bomb... he wanted to disarm it, but there wasn't enough time, Raph had grabbed his arm and started hauling him to the exit... the rest came back to him in flashes, in bits and pieces of images. Michaelanglo was too far in, Leo had grabbed for Mike just as the bomb went off. His last memory was of Leonardo pushing Mikey down, his back to the bomb. And then everything went blank, except for the memory of moving through the air, and he was fairly sure he had been blown back quite a bit by the force of the blast.

"Raph," he rasped out. Raphael didn't answer so he wiggled a hand out from under Raph's bulk and shook his shoulder. "Raph!" he tried again.

Raphael moved a bit. He grunted and shifted before raising his head ever so slightly. He stared down at Don in confusion. "Uh, what?" he grumbled. His eyes widened as he realized that he was on top of his brother. "What the hell Don?" he said as he scrambled to his feet.

Don shook his head slowly as he carefully got up as well. The place... well it looked like a bomb had hit, that was for sure. He frowned as he looked over to where he had last seen Leo and Mike, but there was a pile of rubble and a wall there. A wall that hadn't been there before.

"Shit," Raph said as he looked in the same direction as Don. He picked his way through bits of broken building, to the impromptu wall. He grabbed onto a smaller chunk and tried to move it, only to find it wouldn't budge. "Don get over here and give me a hand!" he snapped.

Don had already shouldered his bag, found his bo and had started to walk over to where Raph was, when he stopped suddenly. He cocked his head to the side, listening. He thought for a moment that he could hear voices on the other side of the rumble. The sound faded away and he shook his head before walking the rest of the way over to Raphael.

-

It took them a good couple seconds to convince the wall piece to move, but once it moved an inch, they were both able to struggle and finally heave it aside. It revealed an opening large enough for them both to wiggle through. Raphael crawled through first, then Don.

The moment he could see the other side, Donatello looked about for his brothers. He spotted one instantly. Michaelangelo lay on the ground a few yards away. Raphael ignored everything and instantly went for him, crouching down and picking up their brother by his shoulders. "Mikey?" he shouted at him. Donatello was relieved to hear Michaelangelo's groggy voice complaining that he hurt and Raphael was just making it worse. That meant he was alive and was more than likely going to make it.

Donatello raked his eyes over what was left of the room, trying to find Leo. He froze when he saw it...

"Leo?" he whispered, horrified. He ran to the spot a few feet away from Raph and Mikey and crouched down, reaching out and touching...

Pieces of shell. Some of which were covered in gore.

Donatello started to hyperventilate, his usual clinical detachment deciding not to kick in as he took in the remains. "Raphie!" he called out, a strained, desperate note to his voice. At the same time he bent down and picked up the largest piece of broken shell with shaking hands.

Raphael swore and left Michaelangelo to come running to Don's side. He stopped in complete and utters shock when he saw the same thing Don did.

"L-Leo," he muttered once he found the ability to speak again. He fell to his knees, put his hand down and touched blood. He leapt to his feet again and demanded to know in an angry voice, "Where's his god damned body?"

"I don't know," Don replied, his eyes wide as he looked up from the carnage as well. Instinct told him they had to get out of there, it had been too long since the bomb had gone off. This place would be teeming with humans very soon. He found his muscles started to work without him asking them to as he began to gather up the largest pieces of shell and stuff them in his utility bag.

His brain shut down nearly completely as he did so, refusing to think about it, about how Raph was running around calling out Leo's name, a hint of hysteria in his voice. How there was too much damage, and blood, how he wouldn't be responding to their questions because there was no way Leo was still alive... not with a shattered shell... that meant his spine was probably smashed as well...

It was only when he heard the distant wail of sirens that he looked up, wide eyed. "Raph, we have to go!" he shouted out at him as he climbed to his feet. He stumbled over to where Michaelangelo stood. "You okay?" he gasped out.

Mike looked out of it, with his eyes glazed and his arm hanging uselessly at his side, but he managed a quick nod. Don looped an arm across his shoulder of his good arm and started for the exit. "Raph!" He shouted again, looking back at their brother.

Raphael looked at him from where he stood above Leo's nonexistent remains. The expression on his face... in his eyes... was lost and in pain. For a heart-stopping moment Don thought Raphael wouldn't come, would stand there above where Leo's body should be and get caught when the humans showed up.

Finally Raphael shut his eyes and clenched his teeth. He let out a cry of anger that rend the night air and ran after his brothers.

-

Raphael followed his brothers back to the lair, feeling numb and cold. His mind refused to accept it, the fact that Leo was probably dead. No, he had just been alive only an hour ago... less than, he had to be alive. He knew he had been alive, he SAW him...

He felt rage. At both the Purple Dragons and the Foot. At the asshole who planted that bomb. At Don for making him leave before he could find Leo's remains, leaving their brother at the mercy of the humans. Even at Mike, for needing to be saved in the first place. He swayed between furious rage and sympathy for their whimpering brother who Don had to stop and console every few blocks or so. It wasn't Michaelangelo's fault he was in a lot of pain.

Luckily for him it wasn't until Don got them home and had already carefully put pieces of shell in his fridge before starting in on Mike's arm that their littlest brother came around enough to get it. Raphael had chosen to sit on the couch, outside of Don's lab. Don had been wrapping Mikey's arm when the cry rang out.

"Where's Leo?!" Michaelangelo demanded to know loudly.

Don merely shook his head and continued to wrap.

"Donny, Donny where's LEO?!" There was an edge of hysteria to his voice. Raphael growled softly and winced as Mike's voice got higher.

A furry hand fell onto Raphael's shoulder, making him jump slightly. He glanced up at the one person he didn't want to talk to right then.

"Leonardo," his father said simply, worry and sorrow making the creases on his wizened face even more pronounced.

Raphael shook his head. He shut his eyes so he didn't have to see the pain on his father's face. Soon Splinter drew away from him to shuffle off towards Don's lab to check on his remaining sons.

It was Mikey's high pitched wail of anguish and the crash of some of Don's supplies that drove him from the lair.

He ran. Ran so he didn't have to think, or feel anything at all, and as he ran he screamed as loud as he could.

-

When he had calmed down enough to function he went back to the surface and set up in the shadows to watch the humans as they cleared out the warehouse. He watched as they removed body after body from the wreckage, loading the cloth covered corpses into the back of waiting ambulances. He sat and waited, waited for the odd shaped corpse that would be Leonardo. None appeared, which gave him hope. When they finished and left police tape all over, Raphael slipped back inside. He spent the rest of the night searching for Leo's body, sometimes moving large pieces of wall and ceiling on his own, once nearly burying himself alive in his quest to find his brother's remains.

By the next morning as the sun came up, he had still found nothing and gave up in despair.

-

Donatello was on the couch when he finally decided to go home. He had no idea how long he had been out, but it had to be a good while into the new day.

Don had obviously been sleeping by the way he jerked awake when Raphael entered the lair. His intellectual brother got up and Raphael tensed as he approached. Donatello paused a couple feet away, looking him over and noticing the dust and grime that covered him as he did so.

"Did you find him?" he asked softly.

Raphael just looked at him for a long moment. Then, slowly, he shook his head. His eyes began to swim with angry frustrated tears, which he tried to hide by pushing past his brother as quickly as he could.

He wasn't quick enough. Don caught him by the arm, then caught him again when he tried to wrench free. "Raphie," he said in a quiet voice, using the name he had called him when they were children. Raphael looked up, and managed to see past his own pain long enough to realize his brother was hurting as well.

"Shit," he muttered. It was all he said as Don wrapped his arms around him and held him. It was then that he began to sob, great wracking sounds that felt like they were wrenched from his chest. He knew without looking up that his Michaelangelo and Master Splinter were watching as well from a distance, drawn by the sound of his return, but he couldn't bring himself to stop.

They knew then. They all knew. Leo was GONE.

-


	3. Chapter 3

**Warning** : There is turtlecest in this chapter. If it's not your cuppa, don't read.

Chapter 3 : Dreams

-

The following week passed in a haze.

They all went out looking the next night, including Master Splinter and Mikey with his broken arm, but the searching revealed nothing.

Raphael thought seeing the place where his son's body had been would kill their father. Master Splinter merely sunk to his knees and... remained there like that. He couldn't stand to stay there, so he stood watch outside of the warehouse and glared out into the night.

By then, deep down, Raphael knew that Leo was dead. Splinter would have said something if he weren't, that he could sense him, that he needed help. Instead Master Splinter seemed even more frail as they took him back to the lair. Distant and quiet. Almost... broken.

Raphael refused to give up, refused to stop searching. They trailed Purple Dragons, hopeful one of them would say something about where Leo was. No one breathed a word, but he wouldn't stop there. He walked up and down alley ways. Across rooftops. Down to the harbor.

He was the last to return to the lair every night, exhausted, long after his brothers had gone to bed. He couldn't stop, _wouldn't_ stop looking.

April and Casey stopped by two days after Leo had gone missing. The flowers and tears (from April) didn't help with their mourning. Donatello exchanged a few brief words with April, Mike was strangely silent. After that April went off to speak to Master Splinter alone.

Casey had tried his best to cheer up both him and Mike by cracking off color jokes, but that didn't work either. They ignored him.

Raphael had a feeling that they weren't coming back any time soon when they left. April looked red eyed and heart broken and all he could manage was a "yeah", in reply to Casey's "we'll hang out sometime".

-

A week after Leonardo had gone missing Raphael came stumbling back home at four AM and slumped onto the couch. Donatello came out to greet him. Stood against the doorframe to his lab and looked at Raphael silently before speaking.

"He can't move without his legs," he said.

Raphael raised his head and stared at his intellectual brother. "What?" he replied.

Donatello entered the room and carefully sat on the couch beside him. "I've been studying the shell remains," he spoke impassively as he stared at the TV. "Some of them were connected to his spine. I have no doubt that the force of impact would have broken his back," he paused, let that sink in, then continued. "I've done the tests Raph. The results are on my hard drive. The force of impact needed to shatter our shells would result in lethal injury at least 80 of the time. With the shell fragments I found, the chance of lethal injury jumps to 98."

Raphael snorted. All he heard was a bunch of scientific talk. "Whatever," he grumbled.

Donatello turned his head to look at him, his eyes dark and pensive. "Why is that so hard for you to accept?" he asked.

Raphael's eyes flashed with anger. "Because there's no fucking body Don!" he snapped. "If he's dead where's the body?"

Donatello stared at him for a long moment, then looked away again. "Someone took it," he said simply, in a voice that said "we've been through this before". And they had... while they had been watching the Purple Dragons the week before.

"Who Don?!" Watching the Purple Dragons had turned up nothing. Raphael was on his feet now, over Don, glaring down at him, and Don flinched ever so slightly, but didn't reply. "Who took our brother?!"

Don's eyes fluttered closed. "I don't know Raph," he said softly. "All I know is where ever he is, he's not alive anymore."

"HE ISN'T DEAD!" Raphael shouted at Don. He felt like he was going insane but he couldn't stop screaming. "HE ISN'T DEAD AND I'M GOING TO FIND HIM!" Don didn't reply as he turned heel and left the lair again.

It was three hours later when he returned. Donatello was asleep on the couch in a repeat of the time he waited up for Raphael the week before. When Raphael entered the lair, Don got up. He looked at Raphael and Raphael looked at him and Don knew. He knew without even asking. Donatello nodded slowly and turned away, returning to his lab, leaving Raphael standing there all alone.

It was the last night Raphael went out searching for Leonardo.

-

The dreams started the night after that, the last night he searched for his missing brother. He remembered the first dream distinctly, running from an invisible foe, the fear and the smell of sweat and blood. He woke up gasping, heart pounding, and sat in his bed for a long while before calming enough to try to fall asleep again.

The dream was the same one every night. He could ignore it at first, write off his silent stalker as nothing more than a dreamscape embodiment of his fears.

He had more important things to worry about. Like how he was now the leader. Yeah... leader.

Master Splinter had called them into his room nine days after Leo's disappearance and to tell them all the news. He had selected Raphael to take Leonardo's place.

Raphael was quick to retort. "I don't wanna be the leader, sensei," he said without even thinking. He could feel his brothers eyes on him, Mike from where he sat cross legged on the floor because of his arm and still healing scrapes, and Don from where he stood dutifully at his side. "I ain't ready for it, I can't..."

"Nevertheless you shall," Master Splinter said, a sort of deep sadness crossing his aging face. "You have many of the qualities of a great leader, Raphael." He turned his head to the turtle beside him. "Donatello," Donatello made a little squeaking sound of acknowledgement. "And Michaelangelo," Mikey raised his head. "You will help your brother, temper his anger and guide his choices. A great leader is not without help."

That's funny, Raph thought to himself bitterly. Leo was always expected to be the leader alone. Interesting how things changed when he was gone.

How was he supposed to be a great leader if he couldn't stop his family from falling apart? Hell, Leo only just barely managed to do that, how was he to compete?

-

That night Raphael learnt just who his silent stalker in his dreams was. When the figure stepped out of the shadows with his swords drawn and stance at ready, he knew.

His brother smirked at him. "Run," he said softly.

Raphael stood frozen in place as Leonardo rushed him. He woke up screaming.

Leonardo was his constant companion after that. Every night he'd visit Raphael in his dreams.

Sometimes he'd be more menacing, self righteous and angry as he'd meet Raphael on a roof top, sometimes after a long chase, sometimes not. Either way, Raphael would be cornered and they'd fight. Raphael would always get the upper hand, smashing Leo down. And then Leo wouldn't be menacing any longer, he'd stare up at Raphael with pain in his eyes and a sai wedged inbetween his chest plates and gasp up at him.

''Why?' he'd mouth. Blood bubbled over his lips, choking his voice. His eyes fell closed.

Murdering Leonardo in his dreams left Raphael with a sick feeling in his stomach when he woke up.

-

Despite his dreams, things slowly returned to normal, which is to say they didn't really. There was a gaping hole in their family left by Leo's absence, far more than there had been when Leo had been sent off to train by himself for a while. At least when Leo was gone off training they knew and could sense if their brother was still alive or not. Now there was nothing.

They all tried to cope. Mike would even practice with them despite the broken arm and being in a lot of pain, but it just wasn't the same. They couldn't just pretend like nothing hurt and nothing was missing. Like Master Splinter hadn't stared at his remaining sons with incomprehension and when Donny gave him a piece of Leo's shell he had gathered from the blast site, sat for hours run old wizened fingers over the texture. Stroking it, like it was still attached to it's owner. They all tried to ignore the fact that Master Splinter placed the shell on his wall as a constant reminder of their lost brother.

Mike tried to be cheerful for Don and Raph. He never seemed so forced before in his life. Michaelanglo did pretend to be happy from time to time, but usually his family could tell the fake cheerfulness when his sarcasm skyrocketed. Raph couldn't tell when the last time Mikey had cracked a joke without the bitter edge of dark humor to it. Mike still made breakfast too, despite being one armed. He screamed at him the other day when Raphael had made a crack that maybe he should call him a gimp now, that he wasn't funny and that he hated him. Mikey really didn't hate Raph, especially when he broke down crying soon after that and said he was sorry, but the words stung. Raphael had pushed back his hurt enough to sit and place an arm around Mikey's shoulder and hold him while he sobbed.

He knew what Mikey was going through, he felt it too.

Guilt. If only.

If only Don had seen the bomb quicker. If only it was Raph who was closer to Mike, Raph would be dead right now, not Leo. If only Leo chose to save himself instead of Mikey, which he heard Mike mutter under his breath couple of times in the preceding weeks. But it was impossible... they all knew that. Teaching Leo not to care enough to try to save his brothers was like telling Don to stop fixing things. You may as well ask him not to breathe.

And they all thought Fearless would live forever.

Fate was an ugly bitch wasn't it?

-

His dreams evolved. Thankfully he stopped dreaming about killing Leo, but the he started to dream about him in other ways. He dreamt that he found Leo sitting on a roof top, high above most buildings, quietly gazing over the city. Raphael walked over to him and sat down beside him. Leo had a distant look on his face, like he was thinking, but when Raph sat he gave a little nod, acknowledging his presence.

Raphael began to talk to him. He told him he was not cut out to be a leader. Leo would nod, motion for him to continue. He'd then turn to ask Leo to come back and be leader again, and Leo'd turn his head and look at him out of sad eyes. "I can't," he'd say.

"Why not?" Raphael would demand to know.

And instead of answering Leonardo would reach over and touch his cheek gently. While Raphael stared at him he would lean forwards and press his beak to his brothers. Wide eyed Raphael would let him, their breath mingling for several seconds, his heart pounding in his chest. He... liked it. Liked being touched by his brother. It wasn't like Leo had ever touched him before, at least since they were kids. He jerked his head away from Leo and stared at him.

Leo merely returned his hand to his lap. "I guess you forgot," he said simply. And then he would fade away, leaving Raphael alone on the rooftop.

When Raphael woke up, he remembered.

He sat up and put his head in his hands, memories coming back to him unbidden. He didn't want to think about it, about when they were kids. About how Leo used to be afraid of the dark and sneak into his bedroom, crawling under his covers and curling against his side, shivering. He was the only one who got to see that side of Leo, he had to be strong for the rest of their brothers... for their father. But Leo was afraid and he trusted Raph to keep away the demons that haunted him in the dark.

That was until he grew up and learnt how to keep the demons at bay himself. He was impossible to deal with then, Mr. Fearless Leader, no longer afraid. He pressed his palms against his eyes, hunching forwards, trying to forget again. He didn't want to be reminded of what Leo had to do to himself to make himself strong. He had rejected Raph just as quickly as he had his own feelings.

When Raphael pulled his hand away from his eyes his palms were wet with tears.

The next day he went into Leo's room for the first time since his disappearance. He stood in the center of the room, looking around slowly, taking in everything. The simple Japanese text wall scrolls, the mat in the middle of his room for meditating on. The shelves which held several candles in various states of melting. The spare katana, laid against the wall in the corner of the room with care. The simple bed with a single mattress, impeccably made. He walked over to it slowly, then knelt in front of it. When he leaned forwards and sniffed the pillow he could smell him. Just barely. But he was there. He squeezed his eyes shut with pain and picked up the pillow, holding it to his face.

Leo...

He slept in Leo's bed that night, after wrecking his room. He knocked over all the candles and the swords, ripped the wall scrolls off of the wall and yelled and screamed at Leo as he did so. He noticed his family did not come in and talk to him, or ask what was the matter. That didn't make him feel much better, but at least they left him alone in his suffering.

He messied the bed before crawling into it. He laid there, surrounded by his scent, hating it and craving it at the same time.

That night he expected he would have another dream of him killing Leo. Instead he got another bout of the rooftop dream. This time as he came over and sat beside him Leo looked at him out of sad eyes. "I wish you hadn't done that," he said.

Raphael snorted and sat beside him. "It's your fault for making me remember," he replied. "I hate you."

Leo smiled and laid his head on his shoulder, which made Raphael tense. "I know you do," Leo said softly, contently. "You're mad because I don't need you to protect me from the dark anymore."

"If you had let me, you wouldn't be dead," Raphael snapped back, before he froze. Dead... it was the first time he ever said it and he didn't mean to. He didn't!

Leo moved his head back again and stared, then hung his head. "I'm sorry Raphael," he said quietly. He reached out and touched Raphael's face again, which made Raph's breath catch. "I didn't know," he added. With that he leaned forwards and pressed his beak to his again. Raphael's stomach turned and he wondered at that until Leo's tongue darted out and gently touched his lips.

Then he knew. He knew. He felt it, running through his body like a shock. He groaned and reached up, placing his hand behind Leo's head and pulling him closer, trying to deepen the kiss. Just as he felt Leo's mouth open to his, his hand suddenly felt no resistance. He opened his eyes again and he watched, horrified, as his brother melted away. Within moments he was alone on the rooftop.

Raphael woke up, sweating and panting and scared to death about just what the hell was wrong with him. He stared at the cement ceiling of Leo's room, surrounded by Leo's scent and desperately tried to forget.

-

Two weeks later he had the worst dream of all. It was so vivid it felt real, which made it even worse.

He met Leo on a roof top as usual. His brother stood, back to him with his swords out. As Raphael approached, he turned. Raph expected a glare, all self righteous and angry. Instead, he smiled. His eyes narrowed and his teeth showed in a look that was very much not like any Raphael expected from his brother.

His blood went chill.

He ran. Legs pumping for speed, his breathing strained, he felt as though his heart would explode from his chest. He didn't care, all that mattered was getting away, getting away before he was caught and forced to the ground by a vengeful brother.

_That's it_, he thought to himself as he kept on going, _Leo's really lost it this time_.

Sure enough, seconds later his foot slipped and he had to scramble to get all the way onto the rooftop. He whorled around, sais out, the silence of the wind and streets below deafening in his ears. He wasn't fooled, he knew he was being watched.

"Come out, I know you're there!" he roared. He was scared, panting, covered in sweat. He backed up a step and then another, eyes wide as he looked around wildly.

Nothing replied but the steady swish of traffic and ebbing of the wind. He wanted to get back down, down to the dirty damn drainage sewers and to the drip, drip, drip of water from the cracks in the cement that held the tunnels together. Run away. Get away. Fuck, he was DEAD, he shouldn't be haunting him like this!

Raphael turned again, his eyes straining at the dark and random shapes that outlined the rooftop. Where was he? Where...

Sacked from behind, a body hit him in the shell and pushed him over, toppling him down onto the gravel covered rooftop. Raphael cursed and struggled, fear making him clumsy. He lost one sai. The other joined it. He struggled more only to find himself rolled back onto his shell. When he looked up again a sword was at his throat.

Leo's eyes gleamed in the near dark. Raphael drew in a strained breath, knowing that he was in serious trouble. "Leo!" he began, scared.

"Got you," was the quiet and deadly reply.

Raphael shut his eyes and shook his head, desperate to wake up. Wake up! He screamed at himself as Leo merely smirked and raised his hand, sword gripped. Raphael's eyes flashed open, his mouth opening into a silent scream.

He woke up. He was panting, covered in sweat, and scared out of his mind.

-

After that Raphael stopped sleeping in Leo's room and in fact stopped sleeping all together, scared that he'd fall asleep and dream of his brother being psychotic. He started to pace the lair instead, searching for something that didn't want to be found. Every bit of darkness in the corners seem to speak of his missing brother. Leo was there in the shadows, speaking to him. Teasing him, taunting him. He was a failure, he didn't know how to lead anymore than an ape knew how not to throw shit.

Unfortunately the lack of sleep started him hallucinating.

He'd imagine Leo over him as he laid on his bed staring at the ceiling. Leo would be taunting him mercilessly.

"Stop it!" He screamed at his wall one night, picking up a lamp and throwing it. It shattered of course, breaking into a million little pieces.

He knew his family was broken from how no one came to investigate or reprimand him for freaking out. He let out a shuddering sigh and leaned back on his bed. He just wanted to escape...

He shut his eyes but that didn't stop it either. Then he'd start to slip in and out of a restless sleep.

Some nights, like tonight, Leo would come into his room as he dozed. Soft treads marked the passage to his bed, and a light touch to the back of his shell would draw his attention. "Raph," he'd say.

Instead of shrugging him off like he usually did, Raphael cried and cursed at Leo left, right, and center. Leo should have backed down, not wrapped his arms around Raph's shell and hold him quietly. "I'm sorry," he'd say, and "I love you..." And then when Raphael turned over to look at him, he'd lean up and press his lips to Raphael's in a touch that was not quite platonic. "I'm sorry I never told you," he said.

"Go away," Raphael would reply.

Leo shook his head. This time it was with kindness shining in his eyes as he'd push Raphael back. Raphael'd struggle, but finally, in the end, he'd let Leo win. It felt warm. Nice. Leo'd support his head with a warm callused hand as he thrust into him gently. It wouldn't hurt and Raphael would ride him out, feeling fear fade as he stared into Leo's eyes. Leo would lean down and whisper at him. He'd say that Raphael was okay... that he had him and wouldn't let him go.

Raphael would merely cry harder, knowing his mind was completely gone. To make it worse, he liked it, felt comforted by Leo's presence. When he realized he was alone and that Leo was gone forever, he'd feel worse... he'd feel a sense of loss so great he thought it would kill him.

Oh god, he missed him. He missed him so much it burned and choked him. He needed his brother back. He needed him back so badly... he didn't care if he was dead, or, more likely, in pieces, all that mattered was being able to see his remains one last time. Just to be able to hold his body (pieces), or head (skull), in his arms and tell him that he loved him. That he was sorry he never told him that before.

Maybe then he could rest, sleep at night, without being haunted by his ghost.

-


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 : Carry On

-

Raphael couldn't sleep at night, but he was still expected to train during the day. As their father lectured him on his lack of concentration during their training he also picked up on the fact that Raphael was exhausted. When he asked what was wrong Raphael replied that he couldn't sleep because he couldn't stop thinking about Leo.

Which was true, though he didn't tell him about how Leo visited him in his dreams. He couldn't. It wouldn't go over very well if he told their father he dreamt of either killing, being killed, or having sex with Leonardo. He imagined, though the killing part could be explained away, that the "having sex" part wouldn't go over well at all.

He almost asked him about it when he had a particularly vivid dream, just in case there was some deeper psychological meaning he was supposed to get out of his dreams but he balked at the last moment.

So when he was grilled he denied everything. It was nothing, he told his sensei, he just couldn't forget about Leo.

Master Splinter had merely sighed at his confession and sat him down. Made him meditate far longer than his brothers had to, urging him to find inner peace and the strength to move on.

It was hard to take that advice from someone who sounded so sad when asking him to do that. He doubted that Master Splinter had found any inner peace either.

Meditation didn't help him at all. It merely made his mind race, going over the events of the month before... constantly searching for a way that he could have saved Leo. He still stayed awake all night, thinking about him, and he still carried out each day exhausted. Hell, he was even too exhausted to be angry, though he was plenty irritated. To make it even worse was the fact that he couldn't do anything about it. Master Splinter sharply reminded him one day that he had a duty to set an example to his brothers when he grumbled during practice that he was going out. He apparently no longer had that privilege. He had snorted and left anyway but guilt drove him back within the hour. He felt... _bad_ at abandoning them. And to make it worse the entire family gave him the silent treatment when he returned.

He never tried to leave during practice again. When something bugged him he dealt with it silently. He found himself wondering if this was what Leo had had to do all those years. Maybe his brother's serene patience was merely an act and underneath Leo was full of boiling rage.

Don and Mike only half listened to his commands as well. While practicing when he told them to do something they'd do it, but they were always a step too slow, almost reluctant in their execution. He even saw resentment in Donatello's eyes one day when he flubbed up a split kick and Raphael told him to do it again. He was shaken by the look.

They resented him for taking their brother's place? Didn't they know that he was suffering just as much as they were if not more? Neither one of them got visited by their dead brother in the middle of the night, or got counseled by Splinter to forget about it him. They also weren't forced to be the leader, which he was quickly learning was a job he detested.

"Do you wanna be the leader and give the orders around here Don?" Raphael shot at him. "'Cause believe me, that'll make us all happier!"

"Raphael!" Master Splinter snapped at him from across the room. Raphael only semi-winced. He had a point and he knew it and kept his gaze level on Donatello.

Donatello dropped his eyes and backed down. "No," he replied simply, and executed a perfect split kick in response.

-

It was a month since Leonardo's disappearance when he had the new dream. Instead of starting out like all other dreams he had been having, clear and harrowing, this one started off vague... disjointed. He found he was walking in a room full of rubble and surrounded by mist. He frowned as he continued to walk forwards, wondering when Leo was going to show up in this one.

He didn't have to wait long. He nearly tripped over him. His... broken and battered body, twisted out of shape. He stood, eyes wide and a horrified look on his face. "Leo?!" he questioned, but strangely no words came out of his mouth. He took a step back again as Leo's eyes slowly opened and blinked up at him. His heart pounded in his chest as Leo's blood coated lips opened and he said one word while staring up at him.

"Karai."

-

He was distracted and irritable at practice the next day, more so than the weeks before. Master Splinter caught his grumbling and snapped at him a couple times, telling him that he must control his temper now that he was the leader... yada yada blah blah blah. He bowed his head and apologized but inside he was still seething.

She took him. He had no doubt in his mind. Karai had Leo's body. She took him when he was too weak to move, too weak to fight her back.

She was going to pay. He was going to make her pay if it was the last thing he did.

Finally, finally Master Splinter released them for the day. All except for him, of course. "Raphael," he called out as he was just about to leave the room.

Raphael stiffened then sighed. He turned back. "Yes Master Splinter," he replied reluctantly, his eyes trained on the ground.

Master Splinter knelt. "Come kneel in front of me, my son," he said.

Raphael did so, dread building in his stomach. Fuck, if he talked to Master Splinter about his dream in any detail at all... he was deathly afraid that he'd end up confessing what he had been wanting to do to Leo, what Leo had been doing to him...

"You are more troubled than usual Raphael," Master Splinter began, kindly enough.

Raphael kept his eyes fixed on his hands and nodded. "I'm sorry, Master," he said finally. "It's just hard for me to concentrate you know? I still don't think I'm cut out to be the leader and all..."

A furry hand reached out and touched him on the shoulder. "Raphael," his father soothed. "It is okay to feel this way. But you must not let your feelings control you. You are responsible for your brothers lives now... they depend on you for guidance and assurance..."

Raphael looked up. "That's just it Sensei," he replied. "They don't think I make a good leader any more than I do," he felt desperation when Master Splinter's brow furrowed. "I don't know why you didn't just make Don the Leader. Or Mikey..."

"And would you have been able to accept guidance from either of your brothers in battle?" Master Splinter replied.

Raphael blinked, then lowered his head. "No Sensei," he replied. He may have hated Leo for it, but at least he was able to listen to him. Leo was always precise and knew how to keep them alive. Don... Don always over thought... he'd be off in his own little world and in need of rescue when their enemies decided to attack while he was thinking... and Mikey... Mikey was all over the place at the best of times!

He truly was the best choice.

He realized something then and his eyes widened as he stared at his hands. If he was the best choice for leader, there was no fucking way he was going to let his brothers get killed...

"I'm sorry father," he said, hoping he was putting enough humility in his voice. "I'll try harder," he added. He risked looking up at Master Splinter only to see him nodding at him.

"Good Raphael," he replied. He made a sad little smile and reached out again, patting him on the hand. "I expect great things from you," he added.

Raphael managed to mumble his thanks before fleeing the room.

-

He laid back on his bed that after practice and glared at the ceiling. Leo didn't come visit him at all, either, and he found he missed his presence. "Why'd she take you bro?" he asked the room softly as he closed his eyes. "Why would she do that?"

He shuddered. He just wanted to see him again... was it that so hard to ask for? One more chance? If he could see his remains and know he was gone...

He grit his teeth. He was going to go get him back. He'd march right in there and take what was rightfully his...

He sat up slowly as that idea cemented in his mind.

He was going to do it alone. No way was he going to risk his brothers in this. Their lives were in his hands... and he wasn't about to drag them into a fight they very well may not walk out of, based on the fact that he dreamt Leo had said Karai's name while dying.

It was then that logic kicked in.

Suicide. That was what he had planned. If he went up against Karai single handedly it was what he could expect. Raphael frowned and set his jaw. He'd do it. If she took their brother from them then he'd avenge his death.

A tiny thread of guilt nagged at him as he walked around his room and carefully went through the possibilities in his head. What about Mikey and Don?

He shook his head quickly. Don'd take care of Mike. Their intellectual brother didn't like fighting, so he wasn't going to up and get himself killed. And with Don around Mike wasn't going to off the deep end either.

-

He was quiet during dinner that night, but no one guessed he was up to something. Several years of lying to Leo had trained him, and he was merely moody and silent. They had all learnt to ignore him while he was in such a mood, even Master Splinter ignored him. He ate quickly and shoved his plates in the sink before marching back upstairs to his room. There he stayed, pretending to be asleep but quite awake as he listened to his brothers and father go to bed. When it was late enough and no one had moved for a while, he pushed off of his bed and got up.

He steeled his jaw and decided to do one last thing before he went. He peeked in on Mikey. His brother was sprawled on his bed and asleep, snoring softly. Raphael smiled at him. Mike didn't wake up to see it, but that was just as well.

He sighed and gathered the last of his supplies before quietly leaving the lair.

-

Mike was the first one to express concern as he cooked eggs and made toast for him, Don and Master Splinter that morning. "Have you guys seen Raph?" he asked as he dished some scrambled eggs onto Master Splinter's plate, using his cast to hold up the frying pan. "I went upstairs to get him for breakfast but he wasn't in his room."

Master Splinter looked worried but Don did not. "No but he's probably fine," Don said airily. He looked from Splinter to Mike and back again. "What?" he asked past a mouthful of food. "You guys know Raph," He sighed and put down his fork. "Look, you both saw how moody he was yesterday. He used to take off and be alone when he was grouchy before but he can't now. He's probably just blowing off some steam. It's probably better for all of us if he works things out alone."

Master Splinter folded his hands in front of his chin. "I hope you are right Donatello," he said with a heavy sigh. "I do believe you are correct in saying that your brother has chosen to be alone at this time. I received the impression that he wanted to flee as I was speaking to him yesterday."

Don looked uncomfortable and shrugged. "Yeah," he said. "Well, that's Raph for you. I mean we can't expect him to change right away, right?"

"Naw," Mikey sat down on his own chair with a thud. "I'm just worried is all," he said. "Mybe he'll be back later today?"

"Maybe," Don replied. They all ate silently for the rest of breakfast and Master Splinter was the first to finish.

"I will be in my rooms my sons," he said with a troubled look on his face as he got up and shuffled away from the table.

-

That night Master Splinter was still in his room and Raphael still hadn't returned. There was a strained look on Master Splinter's face at the breakfast table the next morning, and there was still no sign of Raph. There wasn't that night nor the day after, and as they practiced together a lingering silence developed between them all, each of them afraid to say it.

Scared that Raphael was gone for good.

By the end of four days Michaelanglo was sure that they would never see their brother again...

-


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 : Life

-

She knew before they came to her and told her there was a problem.

He was here. No, not the one presently encased in a liquid bath in her lab, but the other one. The insolent one. Leonardo's berserker, the one who was unable to fight like a ninja if his life depended on it.

She disliked him a little more than the others, finding his constant abrasiveness irritating. Not to mention the fact that he had completely destroyed her prototype mech labs last time they had broken into her home.

She waved off her guards and went into the security room alone, pressing a couple buttons to call up the images she wanted. Sure enough, there he was, fighting off about a dozen of her men at once. He moved fast, not as fast as Leonardo, but fast enough. She watched as he landed a blow and sent one of her men crashing against the wall and instinctively knew he was dead. She didn't feel much pity for him; all her men should be trained to handle him and any intruders who threatened her.

She frowned and waited. She didn't have to wait long at all... the shear over whelming numbers of her men were enough to quell him. She watched, smiling, as they followed her instructions and bound the half dazed turtleman before hauling him up again. She clicked off her security cameras and returned to her main chambers to await their arrival.

-

He was being half dragged when they brought him in, and, even though he had his arms bound behind his back, he was still fighting, spitting fire and passion.

"Karai," he snarled the moment he saw her. He struggled and spat as she quietly approached.

He didn't still until she stood in front of him and drew her sword. She placed it under his jaw and forced his head up. "What is the meaning of this?" She asked calmly.

His dark eyes snapped with fury. "Leo," he hissed at her. "You have him an' I want him back."

She allowed surprise to show on her face for half a second before her eyes narrowed again. "What are you raving about turtle?"

Raphael glared. "You know!" he snapped back. "You got him!" He struggled suddenly, flinging himself against the arms that held him, seeming to be insane, and oblivious to the fact that she could cut his throat with a tiny jerk of her hand. "I want him back Karai!" he growled when the men holding him did not give. "Or I swear I'll make you pay!"

He was ridiculous. She withdrew a step. "You dare break in here and threaten me after all you and your family have done?" She asked, appalled.

He met her glare head on. "You took my family from me!" he replied stubbornly.

"And what makes you think I know anything about your brother?" she sneered.

He wouldn't reply. She knelt in front of his helpless form, which earned her another snarl and some struggling. Her men were doing an excellent job of holding him down. She would have to commend them later.

"Why is this so important to you, Raphael?" she asked, changing her tactic. He did obviously know she had him, though she didn't know his source. Her eyes narrowed. "Your brother is dead."

He glowered and bore his teeth. "You're lying!" he snapped.

"Am I?" She replied, placing a smirk upon her face.

He screamed. She took a step back and watched, unimpressed with his show of rage. When he was done he hung limply between her soldiers.

"I'd do anything to get Leo back," the defeated turtleman said quietly. His jaw worked as he swallowed. She stepped forwards and placed her tanto beneath his jaw again, moving his head up. There was desperation in his expression, and his eyes glittered with unshed tears.

"You would risk death just to see your brother again?" She questioned.

Though his face twisted with hate, he shut his eyes. She understood. He would. But she wanted to hear him say it... she added more pressure to the knife point, trying to force a response.

He did not open his eyes, though he did crane his neck, attempting to escape the stinging cut of her weapon. "Just do it..." he said in a low, barely audible voice. "You'll be doing yourself a favor."

Karai stared at him for a long moment, then withdrew her weapon and stepped away from him with a small huff. "Take him," she said to her guards with a wave of her hand. "Put him in a cell. I'll deal with him later."

Raphael cursed at her vibrantly as they pulled him to his feet. "Let me go, damn you!" he swore at her. "Or fucking kill me! Don't..." his voice trailed off as her men took him from the room.

Karai frowned to herself as she sighed and stared out of her window into the starless New York night. Leo's words came back to her as she looked out over the skyline. She promised him that she'd let his brothers to live...

But it would be hard to let that one live, that was for certain.

-

She inquired after him the next day. Her men had apparently found it necessary to tranquilize the creature after his display in her chamber the night before. He was sleeping it off in a cell buried at the heart of the building. She considered, and then decided to let him stay there and think about his actions for a good while.

That wasn't to say she didn't keep an eye on him. The next day he woke up, and from her observations of the security cameras, was extremely upset. He yelled and screamed at the guards watching him, hit and attacked his cell doors, and foolishly used every ounce of energy he had trying to break loose of his prison. He was the direct opposite of his brother, she decided later that day, as she stood in front of Leonardo's see-thru status container.

It was then that she realized she had dilemma on her hands. A brother in status, another, suicidal one in a cell that she was very tempted to kill.

With one slight problem.

"You would never forgive me," she said softly as she stopped to look at him again. She touched the outside of the glass as she studied his features. The repair work was nearly done, broken skin patched together, shell bits newly reformed and pasted together to create a new shell.

Her jaw tightened as she decided, turning away from the glass. 'Then, Leonardo,' she thought to herself. 'You will never know. I will have my vengeance, as you had yours.'

She brought her hardened gaze up to look at her scientist. "How long until the repair work is done Dr. Chaplin?" she asked.

He looked up from the lab computer, blinked, and then smiled at her winningly. "Only a few more days Mistress," he said. "The alien technology you gave me is amazing, I..."

She nodded once curtly, cutting him off. "Good," she replied, before turning heel and leaving the room.

-

It was the morning of the fourth day since Raphael's disappearance that Mikey came into Don's lab. He stood against the door rubbing his cast with one hand until Don looked up. "What is it?" he asked.

"He's gone," Mike said quietly, giving voice to what they had all been thinking.

Donatello winced slightly and put down his notebook. "Mikey, don't say that," he said, but even he couldn't keep the doubt out of his voice. "I'm sure he's just..." he trailed off as Michaelangelo raised his head and just looked at him. Don sighed and put down his note pad. "Alright," he said. "Let's go look for him."

-

They tried to find him everywhere. Casey's house... neither he nor April had seen him since they stopped by a month before to express their condolences. They tried central park at night, all the old neighborhoods where Raph used to go beat up thugs. Everywhere...

By the sixth day of Raph's absence and he not turning up anywhere, Don had to admit they may have to face the facts. He stood out on the docks with Michaelangelo by his side, staring out at the statue of liberty and glittering lights of Brooklyn's shore as he closed his eyes in despair.

"Raph..." Don whispered, feeling pain welling in his chest... just like when he had seen Leo's remains.

Michaelangelo shifted where he stood beside him, letting out a little whimper. "Do you think he actually..." he started to say, but cut himself off.

The welling pain in Donatello's chest grew worse. "I hope not Mike..."

Don watched as Mike sunk to his knees beside him and thumped his cast so hard on the dock that Don knelt down as well and caught his arm. "Mikey... Michaelangelo stop it!" he said. He drew in a quick breath and gathered Mikey up in his arms, which Mike fought. "What ever Raph's reasons, he wouldn't want you to hurt yourself..."

"Oh well it's too bad it hurts already then," Mike returned sarcastically, his voice choked. Suddenly he clung to Don tighter. "Now you're going to leave me too, right Donny?"

Don shook his head. "No Mike," he said quietly. "I'm right here," in his mind he could only think how much he resented Raphael for taking off on them when they needed him so badly. But t even if he said it he knew his brother had a point. Raph was starting to loose it before he took off. The signs where there. Raph had become withdrawn and angry. He had probably gone off to find Leo and gotten himself killed in the mean time... he shivered and thrust the idea out of his head. No, no, Raph was fine. He'd come back in a week from now, stinking and drunk off his ass, and Master Splinter will get mad and lecture him on responsibility and...

He didn't realize he was crying until Mikey reached out and touched his cheek. "Donny," he whispered into the night air, his eyes wide and expressive as he stared at his brother.

That shocked him. He never cried. Never. Donatello shook his head and tried to turn away, only to have Michaelangelo forcibly draw him into a fierce hug.

"Don't you dare leave me Donny," Mikey said. Donatello considered struggling for a moment then decided against it, the fight leaving him. He let closed his eyes and let his brother hug him.

No... no he wouldn't leave him. No matter how hollow he felt, he wouldn't abandon his last remaining brother.

-

He was afraid that telling Master Splinter would kill there sensei, but he took it better than expected. Rather he merely nodded in reply to Don's announcement that Raphael was missing and there was no sign of him anywhere. He even reached up and patted his intellectual son on the arm.

"You and Michaelangelo must take care of each other now," he said, his voice tight.

Donatello bowed deeply. "Yes sensei," he replied in a quiet, respectful voice.

He went into his lab. And stood, silently in front of his fridge. He knew what was in there... he had kept it in there for a month. He promised himself he wouldn't touch it... but it made no difference now did it?

He slowly opened the door of the fridge and took the carefully prepared test tubes out. He'd do it, for Mikey. It was worth the chance...

-

It was several hours later when he dragged himself from his lab. Don shuffled off towards his bed, fighting sleep from his bloodshot eyes. He was going to go sleep in his bed like he usually did when he remembered his brother. Switching courses he went for Mikey's bedroom instead. He glanced inside and took a moment to orientate himself before stepping over countless amounts of stuff to get to the bed. Getting there he reached down and shook his shoulder gently. "Mike?" he asked.

Michaelangelo groaned and woke up, blinking up at Don. "Uh?" he managed to get out. "L--" he stopped himself in time. "Don?" he asked.

Donatello nodded. He made a hand motion to Mike's bedding. "May I?" he asked.

Mikey nodded quickly and moved over to allow his brother to crawl in beside him. Donatello sighed and nestled against Mikey, curling up against him. He realized that this was the first time since they were little that they had slept together. But that was okay. Mikey needed him right now if the way he clung to him was any indication.

-

Raphael stopped fighting on the fourth day. Merely sat in the corner of his cell, with his head between his knees.

On the sixth day she decided to visit him.

"Raphael," she greeted as she stood in front of his prison, her men at her sides.

He looked up slowly, his eyes glittering with hatred as they met hers. "Karai," he returned. He struggled to his feet and stood, his hands clenched into fists at his sides. "Come to see how I'm enjoying yer hospitality, huh?" his voice was heavy with sarcasm. "Well frankly, it stinks. Can't even get any decent room service around here…"

She merely rolled her eyes, wondering yet again why she was even bothering. She frowned and crossed her arms in front of her chest, pushing on before she changed her mind.

"I can let you see him again," she said.

That killed his little rant. His eyes widened. "What?" he said. He snarled and, moving faster than she expected, threw himself against the bars. She took a half a step back. "You bitch! You DO have him!"

Karai gave him a very unimpressed look. "So?" she replied. "He was dying when we got there and dead by the time we left. You saw what was left of him. There was no way to save him."

Raphael glared, his hands clenching at the bars. "Then why take 'em?" he demanded to know.

She smiled. "Because we made a deal, Leonardo and I," she began to pace in front of him, satisfied smirk on her face. "That in exchange for his life I would spare his family's. I thought it was a fair trade," she stopped. "Don't you agree? I lost my father, you lost a brother."

Bitter tears glittered in Raphael's eyes as he growled at her. "So he let you take his body? For what? So yous can make a nice wall ornament outta his shell? Maybe some boots? Fuck, Karai, why?" he exclaimed, letting go of the bars to throw his arms wide. "Why did you get his body and not us?! It means nothing to you if he's dead! Give him BACK!"

She tsked at him, shaking her head. "You're hardly in a position to be making demands Raphael," She gave him an appraising look as his shoulders heaved with anger. "Especially since I'm here on business. I have a proposition to make you."

He stilled and stared at her, giving her his complete attention. "… What?" he managed after a moment or so.

She tapped the bars of his cell. "I would consider a trade," She said. "Your life... for his."

Raphael eyed her suspiciously, head tilted to the side, thinking before he replied. "Leo's dead," he said finally. "Yous said so yourself."

A small smile arched across Karai's face. "A temporary set back," she said. "What if I told you I could bring him back?" she continued.

Raphael actually stumbled back, further into the cell, disbelief on his face. "I don't believe you," he said.

"Oh really?" she replied. "And how, then, did my father come back after being killed in the utrom bomb blast?"

He had no reply, his mouth working slowly and silently. Even so she could see the pitiful hope that flared up in his eyes. "Leo..." he whispered.

"Would you," she said finally, gently, as he stood there, considering. "Give up your life for his?"

Raphael head came up again. He stared at her suspiciously but didn't hesitate in his reply. "Yes," he said.

The corner's of Karai's mouth curved up into a smile. "Good to know," she said smoothly before turning away.

Raphael threw himself back up against the bars of the cell as she walked away. "Karai!" he shouted after her. "What did you mean by that? KARAI!"

-


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 : Sacrifice

-

When he woke up, which he half didn't expect to, he found himself stuck in a cell. It was made of cement and had a sink and a toilet, like a good old fashioned human jail cell.

He definitely didn't like being cooped up in a cell. He took every opportunity to growl at the guards when they walked by. When he wasn't doing that, he trained. He could never do meditation very well... that had been Leo's thing, but he did a fairly decent kata. That he went through from top to bottom and back again. Then, when he got bored of that he practiced kicking the cell's bars for a bit. That made a satisfying enough clanking sound to make him happy.

After a couple days of that he got bored of trying to kick the cell bars out and picked up just trying to sleep. Since sleep didn't come that easy on a rock hard cold floor, he spent a lot of time thinking instead.

He thought about how he was sorry he left poor Mikey all alone. He believed that Don would be okay without him, Don always seemed to enjoy being alone just as much if not more than with his brothers, but Mike? Michaelangelo lived off of socializing with his brothers. Guilt throbbed in his gut at leaving Mike like that.

He tried not to think about it, but the longer he spent in the cell the more stupid he realized he had been. He had no way out. Every bar had been beaten and tested. He had stupidly allowed himself to go get caught by Karai... not even killed, just caught, while leaving a family full of pain and suffering back home. Leo may very well be dead, but he wasn't dead. At least, not yet.

"Master Splinter's gonna kill me," he muttered to himself. If he ever did get out of this place that is...

When he finally fell asleep he dreamt of Leonardo fucking Karai while he was tied up and forced to watch. He woke up cursing her out and disorientated before he remembered where he was.

He glared at the bars of the cell before lying back down on the floor. Sometimes he really hated his mind.

-

The days didn't get much better from there. He lost track of time since there were no windows. Food was pushed through the bars of the cell by armed foot soldiers what felt like once a day, so he figured he was on day five or six when Karai finally showed up to visit.

Which was when he was sure to tell Karai how he felt about her accommodations. It was also when she asked the question that left him shaky, weak and frustrated as hell.

The "would you give your life up for his" question.

After she left he threw himself against the bars of the cell, desperate to get out. If she had Leo alive, he wanted to see him. To rescue him if he could. To tell him… well, everything he never had a chance to tell him. If he could only see him one last time…

He calmed down slowly, and she didn't come back right away. Defeat twisted on his face and in his gut as he went to sit down in the corner again. He shouldn't have been surprised, he thought to himself. Neither surprised that she had Leo, or that she intended to kill him.

He wished he could stop thinking. Just turn off his brain. But he couldn't. Couldn't stop going over what he had done.

Was it worth it? To die for Leo? To never see Mikey's goofy grin again, or the way Don's eyes lit up when he was talking about something that fascinated him.

He sighed. His decision was already made... probably had been for a very long time. If it came down to it, he'd die for them, every last one of them. They knew it to, despite the fact that he was so bad at showing it.

And yeah, it was worth it. Leo was more valuable to the family than he was. Leo'd lead them. Guide them. He was their stability and support. What was he? An irritant most of the time, he neither listened to Master Splinter very well, nor worked well with the rest of them. If he had a hard time living without Leo, then he was sure that the other two were suffering just as bad. They needed him. He couldn't lead them very well either, always being the loner of the group. Leo was the best choice.

He always had been.

Raphael squeezed his eyes shut, refusing to let himself cry. Instead his breathing came in shallow little gasps and, for the first time since being shoved in the cell, he imagined Leo standing over him, stroking the back of his head soothingly, trying to calm him. "It's okay Raph," he said softly. "I won't let you die."

Raphael raised his head at that, and the illusion vanished, leaving him alone in the cell. "Too bad it ain't your decision to make Leo," he replied gruffly. He scrubbed his fist across the back of his eyes and stood. His jaw set stubbornly.

He was ready.

There was only one thing he wanted before he went. If he asked the bitch nicely she might actually give it to him.

-

She watched as they finished draining the status chamber. He was drugged, unaware of where he was as he moved about feebly, but he was very much alive. His mouth moved and then he coughed as he breathed in by himself for the first time in over a month. He rolled on his side and reached out, pressing a shaking hand against the glass. Wide black eyes stared at her in confusion before he slowly closed them again and fell back into unconsciousness.

-

He was a lot less angry when she visited him the second time, a couple days later.

He sat in the corner of the cell when she approached and slowly got to his feet as she stood in front of his cell. He looked tired. Defeated. It may have been an act, but she doubted it by the way he spoke, quietly and without heat. "I want one thing Karai," he said. "Let me see him."

She smiled. She had expected as much and had planned for this eventuality. Only a fool would allow a trade such as this based on blind faith. "Yes, Raphael," she replied. "You can see your brother before you die. In fact I have planned for you to spend an entire night with him, before he goes back to your family and you to your demise," her smirk grew as he considered that.

Raphael eyed her suspiciously. "What's the catch?" he asked.

"Nothing," she said, enjoying baiting him. "Beyond the fact that you must exercise restraint. I know this is a difficult task for you..." he growled softly and she raised an eyebrow. "And I expect you to fail."

"I won't. FAIL," he forced the words out one at a time, his eyes narrowed in hate. Yes, he hated her. She smiled.

No matter. Her face fell into a picture of seriousness. "You must not mention me," She said as plainly as she could.

He looked surprised, so she continued. "I will have surveillance equipment in the cell. If you breathe, write or tell Leonardo in any way shape or form where he is and my involvement with this I will fill the cell with gas and kill you both," she was lying blatantly, she had no intention of having Leonardo die yet again, but he did not need to know that. "There is no point in me releasing your brother if he is merely going to hunt me and my men. You do understand, don't you?"

The turtleman's face contorted, and she could see his eyes brighten as he thought over what she had said, obviously looking for an out. He came up with none after a few moments and she saw that brightness dim. He lowered his head and glared at the concrete floor. "Yes," he muttered.

She was silent for a few minutes more, watching his jaw work… his fists clench and unclench. He did not like being manipulated, nor being given orders. Sadly he would have to see he had no other choice to obey. "Though I could spare myself the trouble and kill you now Raphael. You have my word that he'll be released to your family unharmed."

He reacted at that, stepped forwards and clenched at the bars of the cell. Wide, slightly wild eyes met hers. "Let me see him," he whispered hoarsely.

She eyed him assessingly, making sure to keep her face smooth and expressionless. His words moved her and for a slight moment she wondered if there was perhaps something she was missing about the connection between Leonardo and his man. She shrugged it off mentally, chalking it up to extreme devotion. This one was willing to die for his brother after all. "When one of my men makes an announcement to leave the cell, you will do so with no complaints?" she asked.

He nodded, slowly and reluctantly. "Yes."

"And promise to keep your vow of silence about anything that would direct Leo's attention to me?" she continued.

He nodded. "Yes," he said again, his hands falling away from the bars of the cell.

"You will never see your family again," she said with a heavy note of finality. She allowed a hint of sympathy to show on her face.

His jaw set. "I know," was all he said.

Karai could read the expression on his face. He was scared. But he was being brave and strong, a fact that she was inclined to respect.

She was quiet for a short while, then turned to go. "I will come get you later tonight once I am prepared," she offered him a slight bow before turning away, but not before catching the way he looked standing there, gazing at the floor, shoulders slumped.

He looked … broken.

-

He mimicked a few kicks into the empty cell after she left, but his heart just wasn't in it. He didn't know what he'd say to Leo when he saw him either… there was so much he wanted to say, and so little time to say it. I'm sorry, came to mind. And, his breath caught, I love you. I love you and you're a fucking bastard for going off and getting yourself killed and needing Karai of all people to bring you back to life.

Fuck you Leo, he thought succinctly as he mimed another kick. You're a fucking bastard. He smashed his fist into the wall and gasped at the shock of pain that caused.

He could still feel. For a while anyway. He threw himself against the side of the cell, again and again, until he ached and slowly slumped to his knees, then his front.

That didn't help him any. He shivered against the cold floor and shut his eyes as he imagined Leo approaching him from behind… gathering him up… running gentle, knowledgeable hands between his legs…

He sat up abruptly and groaned loudly, shaking his head. "Stop it," He grunted. He didn't want to think anymore.

"Go away," he muttered to the empty room. "Lemme die in peace."

-

True to her word Karai came back to get him later that night, along with about ten of her soldiers. He didn't know why she bothered, it wasn't like he was able to do much when he was disarmed and out numbered ten to one. He surprised her by walking calmly along side her men till they got to a new part of her building.

They reached a door entirely encased in steel. He eyed it for a moment before one of the men stepped forward and typed a code into a nearby panel. The heavy steel door slid to the side with a resounding thud, to reveal a dimly lit room inside.

"Go ahead Raphael," Karai encouraged from behind him. He sent her a last glare and stepped into the room.

The door rolled shut with another resounding thud, cutting them off from him.

He took in everything as he walked into further into the room, searching for anything that could help him defeat Karai and get out of this. The room just gave him a greater sense of despair. Especially when he spotted the cameras in two of the corners, keeping a trained eye on him from behind what he guessed was bullet proof glass.

He looked away, his eyes taking everything else in. Overall the new cell was much nicer than his. It had painted walls, and the toilet was sectioned off by a screen. There was a big steel frame jutting out from a wall and a mattress on it. On top of the mattress was Leo.

It was surreal. He lay on the bed, looking for all the world to be asleep.

For a moment Raphael though she had tricked him, by showing him Leo's dead body. He was about to turn back and pound on the steel door when Leonardo moved. Raphael froze and watched with wide eyes as Leonardo sat up. He blinked, brown eyes focusing on him where he stood near the door. "Raph?" he asked, sounding and looking confused.

"Leo," Raphael replied in an awed voice, reverence in his tone. He was alive. He couldn't believe it!

He finally managed to convince his feet to move as he ran over to him. He hugged him, tears welling up in his eyes as his hands met flesh, and shell. He traced the patterns of shell with his hands. He was whole. Complete. His shell was back together, he was back together, and it was amazing… whatever Karai had done… for a brief, shining moment he knew nothing but happiness.

Leonardo looked taken aback. "Uh, it's okay Raph," he said, patting his shell carefully. It was then that Raphael realized how weak his brother was. He didn't even feel the touch. Raphael drew away to inspect him with concern. He looked a bit paler than usual.

"Where are we?" Leonardo asked and Raphael nearly replied before he remembered himself.

"I have no idea Leo," he lied. He sat beside him on the bed, hand never leaving his arm as he did so, almost afraid that if he let go Leo would disappear. "I just woke up in this place," he rubbed his hand up and down Leo's arm, feeling the bumps of thick skin, marveling at it. He did it far too long, but he didn't want to stop…

Leo's eyes ticked down to his hand and back up again, slowly because his reflexes where obviously delayed. Raphael wondered if he was drugged, or just weak because of whatever Karai had to do to put him back together again. "Uh, Raph?" he questioned.

He didn't want to stop. Raphael leaned forwards. This would be his last opportunity to do this. It also didn't break his promise to Karai, though he was sure she was going to mind the eyeful. He thought about that gleefully. Boy, she was going to be pissed, but he really didn't care... all that mattered was being with his brother again. He gripped Leo's arm and leaned forwards, nuzzling his beak into his neck and inhaling. He smelled good, well, for the most part, with the faint scent of antiseptic. He smelled like Leo. If this was a fantasy, it was a pretty damn good one… it felt more real than any dream he had had in the last month or so…

"Raph," Leo mumbled, "What?"

He growled softly, unwilling to stop. "Leo..." Raphael grumbled against his neck. "If I told you this was the last night we'd ever see each other alive, would you let me do whatever I wanted?"

Leonardo breathed in, and then out again. When Raphael opened his eyes he could see Leo's were closed, his head turned to the side and his mouth slightly open. Raphael raised his head again and Leo looked back at him, his eyes wide and full of concern.

He reacted. Gripped Leo's shoulders and pushed him back on the bed. Leonardo stared up at him as he lowered his head and began to nip at his chin and neck. He whimpered softly and struggled feebly, calling out his name. It was the third "Raphael!" that held just a hint of terror in it that Raphael realized what he was doing. He was coming very close to forcing himself on his brother.

He drew back, sitting back on his knees and trying not to put very much pressure on Leo's body. "Leo," he muttered, reaching down and cupping the sides of his face. "I'm not going to hurt ya," he said. "But, let me do this, please..." He leaned down to press his beak to his brothers, only to have Leo make an odd whimpering sound and move his head away.

Raphael moved back again. "Fine," he muttered. He got off of Leo and sat beside him on the bed. He shut his eyes. Way to completely fuck up your last night together Raphael, he thought to himself. Now Leo was going to think he was some sort of pervert. But then again, he thought miserably, why did it matter anyway? In a few hours he was going to be dead…

Leonardo slowly sat up on the bed as well. A tentative hand reached out to touch his arm. "How long have you felt this way Raphael?" he asked quietly.

Raphael shut his eyes. "I don't know," he muttered. "I... feel things... think things… about you… it hurts..." he sighed and drew his knees up, placing his chin on them. "I'm broken Leo," he muttered. "You know that..."

"Raph..." There was an odd tone to Leo's voice that made Raphael turn his head to look at him. Leonardo was staring at him with large pain-filled eyes. "I don't..." he shook his head slightly, his brow wrinkling with confusion as he tried to think. "I don't understand," he said finally. "Why is this the last night we'll see each other?"

He was still out of it. Probably drugged, thanks to Karai. She probably didn't want him to remember much about tonight. Just in case he slipped up and told Leo everything. If he did slip up, she probably would kill him and not Leo, especially if Leo couldn't remember anything. No… Leo would survive this night.

He wouldn't. But he wasn't about to use that knowledge to cut his last moments short. "Because," a cynical smile toyed at the edge of Raphael's mouth. "You're dreaming Leo," he managed to put a scoffing tone in his voice. "You're dreaming... and I'm already dead."

"Oh," Leo replied. He shivered slightly, almost as if he was cold. The haze remained in his eyes as he tried to focus on Raphael again. "Why did you die?" he asked.

Definitely drugged… or messed up some way or another. But he could use that. Raphael shrugged and reached out again, grasping Leo by the sides of his face. "Because," he replied. He managed a wry smirk. "I'm an idiot. You know that Leo..."

Again confusion crawled across Leo's face as he stared at Raphael. "You're not..." Raphael cut him off by leaning forwards and pressing his beak to Leo's, Leo didn't pull away.

He pushed him back on the bed, ignoring the feeling of wrongness as he kissed his beak and then his neck. He finally pulled away again and sighed, placing his head against the crook of Leo's neck as he laid beside him, half on top of him and half off.

"I can't do it," he muttered. "It's my last night alive, you're all fucked up, and I can't even do it," he shut his eyes and laughed, low and self depreciating. "It doesn't even matter what I do anymore..."

Leo's eyes fluttered closed and then open again. "This is a dream right?" he asked.

Raphael chuckled darkly. "Yeah Leo. A dream."

Leonardo rolled over so that he was facing Raph. He nuzzled his beak tentatively. "Then it doesn't matter what you do. I'll let you..."

Raphael stared at him a moment before he growled and rolled back on top of Leo, kissing him in earnest. He ground the bottoms of their plastrons together, dick slipping out despite himself, trying to ignore feeling of guilt as Leo stared up at him with wide, slightly cautious eyes.

He forced himself to slow down, taking most of his weight off of Leo and moving to the side again. He trailed a hand down Leo's front, tracking down to his thighs and running his fingers up and down them for a bit before running them into the space between his legs. Raph touched his tail, enjoyed how it twitched under his fingers, moving from side to side expectantly. He grinned and reached up, touching soft skin and making Leo groan as he crept nimble fingers between the front of his shell and the back. He found what he was looking for and pressed i in /i ever so slightly, encouragingly. Leo bit back a groan and let himself down, hot and slick against Raphael's hand. He touched it gently then with more bravo as it began to respond in his hand. Even so, it didn't harden all the way until Raphael remembered he was weak and probably had lost a lot of strength. He pressed himself up against Leo's side as his hand went to work, focusing on his face as his eyes fell half lidded and he panted.

"I..." he hesitated, trying to force the words out. "I love you bro," he said in a low grumble. Leo turned his head to gaze into his eyes and Raphael struggled not to look away as he continued. "I know you and me have had our differences, an' I'm sorry..."

Leo eyes were now half lidded and his jaw slightly slack. "It's... okay Raph," he whispered. He groaned as Raphael sped his hand up and lifted a leg to straddle him. Leo's cheeks flushed a deeper green as Raph took both of them in hand. He gripped them loosely together as he kept going, trying his best to drive them to that peak. He felt encouraged when Leo's breathing started to come in wet gasps, his hand carrying up to grip his arm.

Raphael could feel himself approaching orgasm but refused to let himself go over, going faster and faster until Leo's eyes closed completely and he pressed his head back, coming with a short cry. Raphael smirked and grunted himself, slowing as he felt warm wetness flowing over his hand. He let Leo go to jerk himself off quickly, adding his own fluid to his brothers as Leo gazed up at him with wonder in his eyes. He rolled to the side again and laid there with his same arm thrown over Leo's lower plastron, watching as he struggled to get his breathing back under control.

"You're fucking incredible Fearless," Raphael whispered softly, leaning forwards and pressing his beak up against his cheek. Leo smiled slightly, his eyes closing.

His euphoria didn't last long. His grin slowly turned into a frown as he realized yet again this would be the last time he'd be able to be with his brother. Fate frankly sucked, for making his first time be his last. Damn, and for the first time in his life he actually felt complete...

He sighed and nestled closer to Leo, and Leo smiled again, rolling his head towards Raph and giving him a sleepy contented look. Raphael nuzzled his cheek gently.

"Are you still afraid of the dark?" he asked.

"Yes. Sometimes," Leo replied honestly. He smiled tiredly. "But sometimes you're in the dark as well," he added, his eyes closing again. "Then I feel better."

Raphael listened as Leo's breathing leveled off and he fell asleep. He wondered at his words as an overwhelming sadness came over him. "I can't help ya if I'm dead," he whispered at the sleeping turtle. "Unless…"

He had to check. He'd be stupid not to. He got up and inspected every last inch of the room from top to bottom, searching for a way out. There was nothing. Metal grating across the top of the cell hid what he assumed was air conditioning and perhaps a speaker, but even if he could wretch it out, it was too small to get through. He gave one of the security cameras a finger, the one between his thumb and the other one, sure that Karai could interpret his message. Then he climbed back into the bed, laying close to Leo and wrapping his arms around his torso again. Leo mumbled something then kept on sleeping, and Raphael laid his chin in the crook of his neck.

They hadn't been able to sleep or be this close to each other since they were children, he realized. He wondered why he had never tried to do it more recently. He was so focused on being angry and defiant that he hadn't realized what he had been missing.

-

He didn't sleep at all that night. Instead, after lying next to him for quite a while, he sat up and watched Leo sleep. He watched all of Leo, desperately memorizing his features. It was then that he realized that Karai's voodoo had worked more than he expected. Leo had lost all of his scars. His hands were smooth and perfect again, not callused from years of training. His skin practically shone. It was beautiful… so beautiful it make his heart constrict in his chest and his breath choke. He reached out and stroked a cheek, petting him over and over again until Leo finally stirred.

He turned his head and looked at Raphael, smiling slightly. "Hey," he murmured, his voice thick with sleep.

"Hey," Raphael replied. He watched as Leo yawned and sat up beside him, blinking a lot and still looking a bit out of it. "So, uh, will you even remember me?" he asked. It was half to himself, he knew Leo wasn't all there right now...

Leo's slight smile faded as he frowned at Raphael's words. "I won't forget you," he replied ferociously. He reached out and gripped Raph by his arms. "I don't want you to go," he said. He looked so sad as he said it that Raphael found him struggling to keep back emotion that threatened to overwhelm him.

"I have to go," he replied, a bit sharply, turning away from him, or at least trying to.

Leo gripped his arm. "But isn't there..."

Raphael glared at him. "Leo no," he ordered, the sound of finality in his voice.

Leonardo looked hurt for half a second before giving a frustrated sigh. "I don't get you," he muttered.

"Leo, don't..." Raphael began, his eyes falling closed.

"I mean we just... you know... and now you won't even talk?" It was obvious that Leo had gained back some of his energy. It was also obvious that he remembered and Raphael's eyes flew open again with surprise.

"What?" he choked out.

Leo frowned. "Or did we? Yes I think we did," he brought his gaze level with Raphael and set his jaw stubbornly. "Tell me Raph." He added, an authoritative tone to his voice that Raphael hated.

"I don't wanna fight Leo," Raphael growled.

"Raphael..." Leo continued with that tone that made Raph grit his teeth. He did grit his teeth, for about half a second before turning towards Leo again. He grabbed his brother by the side of the face and held his head in his hands. "Stop it Leo," Raphael said quickly, kinda proud that he managed to keep his voice steady. Leo stared at him. "Stop it," Raphael said again, this time in a whisper. His eyes widened as he saw something he had never seen before, at least not recently. There were tears in Leo's eyes.

Great. He couldn't do anything right... now he had made Leo cry.

He reached out and sadly brushed the skin under Leo's eyes, even though no tears had fallen. "There has to be a way," Leonardo muttered.

"Leo," Raphael said softly. "What would Mikey and Don do without you, huh?"

Leo looked at him and didn't say anything but Raphael could tell he was listening. "You can't just leave them," Raphael continued. "They need you. Don't be stupid." He was going to continue when he heard the sound of the intercom come on from the grating on the ceiling.

"Raphael, you must now exit the room," a male voice said. At the same time the door at the front of the room clicked and began to move.

Leo stared up at the ceiling in confusion but Raphael reached out, drawing Leo's focus back on him. "Leo, Leo listen to me," Leo now looked bewildered as he stared at Raphael, but at least he nodded slightly. "I love you. More than I should. I'm so god damned sorry I never told you but I hope you understand. I never," he drew in a quick breath. "Felt that way about Mike and Don. Just you. But I love 'em too... you gotta tell them that for me. Can you do that for me bro?" Leo nodded, still wide eyed, looking puzzled and hurt. "Good." Raphael clamped a hand on his shoulder then suddenly drew him close for a hug, wrapping his arms around his shell. "Take care of them for me. Especially Mikey," he shut his eyes so he could fight back the tears that threatened to spill over. "He needs a big brother, you need to let him know I'm sorry I can't be there for him. Alright, Leo? Alright?"

For a moment Leo didn't reply but finally he muttered. "Alright Raph," he said in a low voice.

"Good," Raphael pulled away again and clasped Leo on the shoulders, giving him a little shake before pushing off from the bed. "And don't you forget to tell 'em or I swear to god I'll come back and haunt the entire lot of you." He made his way to the open doorway, proud that he had managed to keep his tears in for now.

Leo just stared at him from where he sat on the bed. Suddenly he seemed to realize Raphael was leaving and pushed off from the bed as well, only to have his still weak legs collapse out from under him. "Wait, Raphael!" he called out, holding onto the bed with one hand, reaching out for him with the other.

Raphael stared. He neared the door and stepped through it backwards. "Take care of them for me!" he shouted finally as the door began to close in front of him. "Leo..!"

And then he was gone and Raphael was left standing in a hall in front of a closed door, surrounded on either side by foot soldiers.

He collapsed then, curling into a ball, chest heaving with pain. He gasped in and out a couple times before screaming, howling his anger into the floor.

-


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7 : Home

Raphael was still screaming when one of the foot soldiers raised a hand and shot him in the arm. He got up and he tried to lunge at the man, to bring one last bastard down with him before he went. It didn't work. Before he could hit him whatever they shot him with took effect. He took one step... two, then collapsed, his world fading from white to black.

-

Raphael didn't expect to wake up again. He would have half preferred if he hadn't. When he cracked his eyes open and saw the grey ceiling of the cell he had just spent the last week of his life in, he swore softly.

He was alive. She let him live. For now at least. She probably wanted prolong his suffering. Or finish him off herself later.

Great.

He shut his eyes and wondered despite himself if Leo had made his way home yet. If Mikey and Don had seen him, embraced him, were happy again. He felt a shot of pain go through him at the thought of his family and squeezed his eyes closed even tighter. He didn't want to think about them anymore.

He didn't want to think at all.

-

They fed him later that day, pressed nutrition bars through the bars of his cell, which he ignored. He had no interest in eating, or, really, anything else. Why bother feeding himself if he was just going to die later that day anyway?

The only thing he had managed to do was pull himself into a sitting position and lean against the back of the wall when Karai showed up at his cell later that night. He ignored her until she spoke.

"Your brother has returned to your home," she said. "And has been reunited with your family."

Raphael didn't even bother to reply.

"I thought you would be glad to hear the news," she continued, raising an eyebrow.

He glanced up and gave her a sour look. "What do you want me to say Karai?" he asked. "Yeah you upheld your end of the bargain. Great. Wonderful. I'm thrilled," he laid on the sarcasm thickly as he turned away from her and stared at the wall. "Don't change my life any," he added.

"You are impossible," Karai replied with a certain amount of exasperation. "You can't sit there and pretend you don't care about the brother you apparently wanted so badly you forced him against his will," she spat that last part, disapproval thick in her voice.

Her words sent a shock like ice through his body. Forced? Yeah... he did, didn't he? Leo was only letting him do it because he thought it was a dream... the icy feeling was replaced by cold rage. Raphael turned his head and stared at her silently. "Oh, sorry," he replied sarcastically. "Did you want to play with Leo first? Guess I ruined your opportunity."

The anger on her face would have been comical in any other situation. Instead Raphael found he didn't particularly care one way or the next, besides the dull joy of knowing he had upset Karai one last time before he died.

He thought she would do him in right then and there. Instead she turned away from him, from the cell. "Stay there, until you starve," she snapped, then walked away, her two ever present foot soldier guards following her a step behind.

Raphael listened as the sound of her steps grew fainter than disappeared. When he was alone again he groaned and laid his head back against the wall. Stupid. He thought. Stupid stupid... he eyed the two unopened snack bars at the front of his cage. If she didn't come back and no one fed him he could maybe make those last two days. With water from the tap, he'd live maybe three weeks. Three weeks were an awful long time to sit and think about what he had done. He let out a shuddering sigh. Fuck, he was in for it now...

-

Michaelangelo was changed. Don could tell in nearly everything his younger brother did. His cast came off that week. Don would have thought he would have been happy. Even though he had a sling over his shoulder he could still use his arm and hand again.

But Mike... he just didn't seem to care.

Don strove to leave his lab as much as possible, despite his fledgling experiment, acutely aware of the fact that Mikey needed someone to lean on, to take care of and to love him. But that was pretty hard to do when all Mike seemed to want to do was sit around. Even his comics didn't seem to cheer him up, and more often than not Don would find Mike staring at the blank TV set with a sad expression on his face.

Master Splinter wasn't much better off. He fell ill soon after finding out about Raphael's disappearance, lying in his bed coughing during the night. Donatello would make him his tea and take it to him, marveling at the fact that he had taken Mikey's place as the nursemaid of the family.

Don was left to the practicing, but sparing with Mike the way he was was... painful. They both trained of course, for an hour in the morning and then spent another couple of hours doing their katas, but they would work in silence, neither one of them wanting to voice their thoughts. Donatello mentally bemoaned their remaining "team", knowing full well that if they were attacked the likelihood of their survival had been reduced considerably. Leonardo was their Master student, their trained prodigy, the one that Master Splinter poured his time and focus into, honing him like the swords he carried. Raphael, for all his anger and rage was needed for his muscle, their angry brother who spent hours lifting weights to burn off his negative energy was really really useful in a fight. He could pin, pick up, and throw two humans with those sais, he was that strong.

What did they have? Michaelangelo, who couldn't even be quiet if his life depended on it, and him. And Donatello knew full well he was the weak link in the family. He'd much rather depend on his gadgets to get him out of trouble than his training... though the training did come in handy from time to time, he wasn't as strong as Raph, as disciplined as Leo, or as flexible as Mike.

He never felt more like a failure in his entire life.

One of the things that kept him from getting down was his work. He was determined to make sure the experiment succeeded. The other thing was... Mike. He spent his nights working on his projects while Mikey slept so that he could spend the most amount of time with his brother during the day. It wasn't until Mike came wandering into his lab looking sad at three AM one morning that he found out he was needed more than he thought.

"What is it?" Don asked, putting down his beaker and taking off his safety goggles.

Mikey frowned and gave him a pitiful look. "Are you coming to bed?" he asked.

Donatello nodded. "Soon, Mike," he replied. He thought that Mike meant to send him to bed, like Leo used to come into his lab late at night and tell him to get some sleep so he'd be awake for training in the morning. He was wrong.

"... Mine?" Mike asked.

Don look surprised, then nodded, giving his brother a tender smile. "Of course. Give me a few minutes to clean up here..." He hadn't slept with Mikey since that night a week ago, but if Mike wanted him to he wasn't going to refuse.

Michaelangelo looked happy at that and left the room. True to his word, Donatello cleaned up and went to his brother's room.

When he climbed over Mikey's piles of stuff to get into bed with him he suddenly found himself being hugged by a very clingy brother.

The next morning when they both woke up, Mikey smiled down at him. It was a genuine beaming smile, one that Mike used to smile all the time and Donatello missed incredibly. It was then and there that Don decided he would sleep next to Mikey more often. If just to make his littler brother happy.

-

He slept with Michaelangelo the next night as well, crawling into bed with him near dawn. His project had been giving him some trouble and he had to make sure it stabilized before leaving his lab, assured that nothing would go wrong until he could return to it again.

Mikey of course snuggled against him instantly, letting out a soft contented smile. Don smiled happily, reaching out and stroking the top of his brother's bald head before shutting his eyes and letting himself fall asleep.

Mike was smiling again when he woke up the next morning to find his little brother sitting beside him, awake and bouncy. "Good morning Donny-poo!" he teased before leaping out of bed and away from Don's smack.

"You're cheerful this morning," Don grumbled, rubbing at an eye.

Mike's eyes twinkled as he hopped from foot to foot and tied his bandana around his eyes. "Yup!" He said. He wiggled his fingers, showing them off to Don and Don finally realized he wasn't wearing his shoulder sling.

"Hey I told you to keep that on..." Don began as he struggled to sit up.

"Oh Don, relax!" Mike said cheerfully, winking at him as he bounded from the room. Don groaned and flopped back on the bed, wondering why the hell Mikey had so much energy in the morning. It was insane...

He expected to hear the sound of Mike entering the kitchen and beginning to prepare breakfast when instead he heard a blood curling scream.

Don's heart dropped in his chest as he leapt out of Mike's bed. "Mikey?!" he cried out as he rushed from the room. He looked around frantically only to find Michaelangelo standing near the bottom of the stairs, staring into the living room. "Mikey what is it?" he asked as he rushed to his side.

He stopped cold.

He was shocked as well. So much that he had to fumble a hand behind him touch the wall to keep himself upright. He stared at the abomination that stood in the middle of their living room. His mouth worked silently for a couple minutes before it was able to form words. "L-Leo?" he stammered out.

It looked like Leo. He had none of his gear on, but he stood there, somewhat awkwardly, a sheepish expression on his face. "Oh hey Don," he said. He sounded like Leo. He smiled. "Hi Mike." He waved a little wave.

"Leo it's you!" Mike exclaimed, breaking away from the stairs and running to him. "You're not a zombie!" he let out a squee of delight and tackled him. At the last minute he seemed to remember his arm and proclaimed a loud "OW!" With that he tucked the bad arm against his chest plates and hugged Leo one armed.

"My Son," Master Splinter's voice was full of awe and Don turned to look at their father, guessing that he had been attracted by the noise. Their father looked old... frail, standing while leaning heavily on his cane, his eyes wide with disbelief and hope. He managed a stumbling step forwards, his hand reaching out. Mikey let go of Leonardo to let him approach their father.

"I sensed your presence but didn't dare believe..."

Leonardo bowed his head. "I am sorry for my absence father," he said softly. "I don't know where I went, but I can tell by the smell of autumn in the air it has been a while."

"You're telling me!" Mikey bounced eagerly from foot to foot. "You were DEAD Leo!"

Leonardo looked confused. "I was?" he replied.

"Yeah!" Mikey nodded quickly. "For over a month! Master Splinter even has some of your shell!" Without asking Mike sped off to Master Splinter's room as Leo continued to explain. "I woke up in the tunnel between fifth and thirteenth. Once I made sure I wasn't being followed I came back here," he said, looking from Don and Splinter in turn. "I have no idea where my gear is, but I was hoping one of you..."

Michaelangelo interrupted him by running back into the room and handing Leonardo the piece of shell Don had given Master Splinter the month before. "See?"

Leonardo just stood there and stared at it with an expression of utter incomprehension on his face. "I - I don't understand," he said, sounding very lost. He looked up again just as Master Splinter stepped forwards and took Leo by the arm, guiding him over to the couch.

"Perhaps, my son," he said. "You should tell us what you do know."

"Huh? Oh," Leo sat heavily, placing the shell down on the end table with slightly shaking hands. Mike flopped down beside Master Splinter and Don sat beside Leo on the other, prepared to listen and immensely curious himself. He couldn't take his eyes off of Leo's shell… it looked perfect. In fact all of him looked perfect… he realized with a bit of a start that Leo didn't appear to have any of his old scars that used to decorate his skin any longer. He blinked. Cloning? Did someone make his brother a whole new body and put his mind in it somehow? And if they did… how did he age so quickly?

"I... I don't remember much," Leo started slowly. "I remember there was a bomb... I tried to throw Mikey clear but then it exploded..."

Mikey made a squeaking sound and held his arm. "You saved my life dude!" He said.

Leo looked up at him and smiled. "I'm glad," he replied. The pensive look returned. "And then... next thing I remember I woke up in a room and Raphael was there..."

Donatello started. Even Master Splinter looked surprised. "RAPH was there?" Don exclaimed.

Leo looked up and nodded. Then he pressed his hand against his forehead again. "He was... I'm sorry Sensei," he looked up at Master Splinter, a worried expression on his face. "It's all very hazy..."

Master Splinter laid a hand on Leonardo's arm. "It is okay, my son," he said. "Tell us what you remember."

"I... alright," Leo said. He frowned, thinking, before he continued. "It was a room of some sort... there was a bed in it and a screen that blocked off part of it. I was really... weak I guess... I couldn't get up off the bed without my head swimming, so I stayed on the bed. Raphael... he came into the room and started to talk with me. He said that this was all a dream..."

"... Was it a dream?" Don asked.

Leonardo shook his head slowly. "No... I don't think so," he said. "There was something about it... I'm fairly sure Raphael was there with me," he discretely left out the part about letting his brother touch him, though he remembered that part fairly well. He shivered slightly, frowning, then continued. "Raphael said he was already dead. When I asked him why, he said it was because he did something stupid," He looked up again, inspecting the faces of all of his family members in turn. "Later he said that he loved all of you and to take care of you all for him. Especially Mikey," his eyes settled on their little brother who looked a bit startled as he looked from Master Splinter to Leo and back again.

"Then what happened, my son?" Master Splinter prompted with a worried frown. "When Raphael said he did something? What did he do?"

Leonardo shrugged a bit. "I... I don't know father. He wouldn't say." He thought for a moment, trying to remember the rest but came up blank. "I fell asleep after that, I think. I remember hearing a voice from the ceiling or somewhere like that told him to leave the room. I tried to follow him but my legs wouldn't work properly. I think I may have been drugged. He left, and I fell asleep again. When I woke up again I was in the drainage tunnel and made my way back here." He finished and sat with his hands folded in his lap while his family digested his story.

"He said... he said that he was already dead," Leo continued finally after a few moments of silence. He looked up suddenly, looking at their father with haunted eyes. "If I were dead, do you think..." he trailed off.

Don finished his thought. "Did Raphael find some way to bring Leo back by sacrificing himself?" He asked in a somewhat disbelieving voice. "But how?" Leo turned his head to look at him. "By my calculations, you should have been killed in that blast Leo." He said. He made a hand motion to the shell, then to Leo's actual shell. "Yet here you are as good as new. It's, scientifically at least, impossible."

"Nothing is impossible my son," Master Splinter said each word deliberately, considering. "Merely improbable. An act of exchange can be preformed..."

"But, he doesn't have Raph's body," Donatello pointed out. Leo was looking from Master Splinter to Don and back again, and at the comment about Raph's body his cheeks flushed a darker green for a moment, and he looked slightly embarrassed. "If Raph found out a way to bring him back, you think he'd have his body wouldn't he?"

Master Splinter considered that, his eyes narrowed at Leo when Mikey decided to step in. "Wait, wait, wait," he said, waving his hands about. "Are you guys suggesting what I think you're suggesting?" he asked. "Because that's impossible!" He shook his head. "That'd like take black magic or something wouldn't it? Last time I checked Raphael didn't know any magic!"

Silence descended on them again, at least until Leo spoke up. "I, uh, feel real," he commented.

"Still," Splinter said. He reached out and touched Leo on the shoulder, inspecting his son closely. "Even though you, my son, seem real in all aspects, it does not explain why you are healed so quickly," he ran a hand along the top of Leo's shell where the shell fragment he had should have been cut from, a frown deepening on his wizened face.

Leo merely shook his head a bit helplessly. "I have no idea either," he said. "I mean I feel real, but if you guys say I've been dead for a month..." Suddenly an odd expression crossed Leo's face and he looked horrified. "Wait... if I'm here, what did you guys do with the rest of my body?"

That got another set of uncomfortable looks from his family. "Well you see Leo," Don began, since he was the one there to retrieve, or in this case, not retrieve, Leo's body. "We couldn't find your remains after the blast..." he pointed to the shell piece. "That's all that was left of you. And, well, copious amount of blood..." he shook his head. "I'll need to take a sample of your blood Leo," he said. He smiled suddenly. "Maybe it'll give us a clue to where Raph is." He added, a bit too hopefully. He didn't add the part about how he was going to check Leo over thoroughly for bugs while he did so. Having Leo dumped back in their laps like this all fixed and good as new was just a little bit too convenient. They could all be in danger... a quick glance at Master Splinter told him that their father was thinking the same thing.

Leonardo nodded, though he hung his head ever so slightly. "Sure Don," he replied. "But..." he trailed off.

Master Splinter placed a hand on Leonardo's arm. "What is it Leonardo?" he asked.

Leo was silent for a long moment before he shut his eyes and replied. "I... I don't think Raphael... is still alive," He finally said softly, painfully, speaking towards his lap. "The way he said some things..."

Donatello felt the cold shock of realization go through him and denied it at the same time. "Look Leo," he said, reaching out and shaking Leonardo's shoulder. "It's probably some government hack like Bishop who has him. I bet you anything that if you're still alive, and if he's still alive, and we're going to rescue him," he said with absolute conviction.

Splinter nodded slowly on the other side of Leo. "We will search for him," he replied. "Like we did for you. If anything else occurs to you, Leonardo, please tell us," he said. "Every clue will lead us closer to your brother."

Leonardo bowed his head. "Yes father," he replied.

Master Splinter sat back on his heels, his gaze assessing. "We will continue this conversation later. Now is time to rest... I can see that you are wearied."

Leo nodded. "I am, father," he said in quiet agreement.

Mikey began to bounce again, still obviously elated to have a brother back. "And probably hungry too!" he declared. "I'll go make something to eat!" he took off towards the kitchen. Just like that the tension broke, Master Splinter got up to hobble away, Leo smiled faintly at his brother's enthusiasm as he struggled to drag himself up from the couch.

"Mikey watch out for that arm of yours!" Donatello shouted after him. He shook his head and made an irritated sound at Mikey's return comment of "chill out Donny!"

"If you rebreak it, I'm not taking care of you this time!" Don shot back with exasperation. He rolled his eyes and headed off to his lab to get a syringe and the rest of his supplies.

While there he touched the edge of the bathtub where he was keeping his experiment. He frowned and considered whether he should shut it down or not. He finally decided against it and checked the temperature on it to make sure it hadn't changed any. He was honestly curious to see if it would work out or not and was loathe to destroy it. His family could have the discussion about the ethics of it all later, a discussion he would probably win anyway based on the fact he could confuse them with extensive use of scientific terms. Who said being the resident genius didn't have its advantages?

-

That night dinnertime around there table was nearly back to normal, and Don was really glad to see it. Leo was quiet, but that was normal for him, and he looked a little better now that he had slept most of the day after Don spent nearly an hour checking him over. Mikey was absolutely elated to have his big brother back. Even Master Splinter seemed happier than usual. The only thing that hung like an ominous cloud over their family was the fact that Raphael was gone... dead if what Leo said was true. He was often gone around dinner time when he went off in his little huffs but this was different. It felt permanent and Don found he couldn't pull off the joy Mikey was showing with that knowledge.

Even though he couldn't find any sort of bugging on Leo at all, he did have the blood tests to run to check to see what had happened to Leo during the last five weeks. That kept his mind off of things for the most part. He kept on sneaking glances at the back of Leo's shell as if it would give some sort of indication of where it had been and how it got there all fixed and shiny and put back together again. He knew that bone healed slowly... there was no way Leo's shell should be intact.

It was a mystery, one he hoped he would be able to crack. Right now he was leaning towards the idea that aliens had done it, though he wisely kept that hypothesis to himself.

-

Leo and Master Splinter were the last ones done dinner, Mikey having already zoomed off to play video games and Don retreating to his lab. Leonardo picked up his utensils and placed them in the sink while Master Splinter stood silently, then motioned for him to follow him to his room.

"What is it Master?" Leo asked, as he sat respectively in front of the rat.

Master Splinter poured him some tea. "I have a feeling there is something you are not telling me, my son," he said gently. "About your brother, Raphael," he put down the tea pot. "And your time together before you came back home to us."

Leo jerked his head up, his heart taking off in his chest. He wondered frantically how his father could tell, and wasn't reassured when Master Splinter gave him a kind look.

"I, uh," Leonardo fumbled around and found himself coming up short. He stared at his hands in his lap and wondered how he should proceed as Master Splinter waited patiently. He finally made himself force it out. "Raphael and I... we... when we were in the room together... we did something... together," he dared to glance up at Master Splinter's face and winced as his eyes widened at Leonardo's words.

Master Splinter carefully put down his tea. "What kind of thing was this?" he asked quietly.

"He, uh..." he wondered how to say this in such a way that it didn't incriminate Raphael. He did choose to go through with it, which made him just as guilty as his brother. "He touched me... and, er, we... you know..." he stopped, unable to continue, his cheeks burning with shame.

"Whose idea was this?" Master Splinter asked, as he picked up his tea and continued to drink it, far too calmly in Leonardo's opinion.

"His... ours," Leo corrected quickly. He finally raised his head and looked his father in the eye. "I wasn't against it," he said finally.

Master Splinter nodded sagely.

"Continue," he said. "Tell me what your brother said..." he added.

Leonardo shrugged a bit helplessly. "He said it was all a dream at first," he replied. "But then later he said he liked me differently than Michaelangelo or Donatello," He shook his head. "When he... ah, touched me, I was surprised, I never knew he felt that way before."

Master Splinter looked pensive. "I had not either, though I had suspected. Raphael... your brother feels things more strongly than your other brothers, Leonardo. He has trouble expressing his feels, and often fails to find the right way to express them when he does. I suppose I should not be surprised that he would find this course of action an appropriate one to express his love for you. Though..." he paused and Leo looked at him. He couldn't tell whether it was curiosity or mild distaste on his father's face. "I do wonder why you would allow such a thing, my son."

Leo focused his gaze back onto his lap. "I didn't... mind it," he confessed finally. "He didn't force me to do it, if that is your question."

"It was not," Master Splinter replied in a clipped voice. "Though that is an answer." He got up and began to pace. "If it turns out that your brother is still alive and continues to make sexual overtures at you how would you react?" he asked.

Leonardo felt his mouth go dry at his father's blunt words. He didn't dare answer that question and instead countered it with a question of his own. "How would you like me to react, father?" he asked.

Master Splinter gave him a long look. "I would want you to react how your instincts tell you to react," he spoke slowly, considering each word carefully. "If you feel the need to continue a relationship of that nature with your brother, it has to be a choice you make Leonardo. I cannot say that I will approve of such a thing, but I also cannot forbid such a thing." He turned away finally, and his hand grip tightened on his walking stick. "You have grown. As have all your brothers. These are decisions you must make on your own." He turned back again, and for not the first time Leonardo was reminded of how elderly he looked. "I have trained you all to depend and rely upon each other. When all are happy, the team is able to function as a whole. When one is unhappy, then the team is weakened and ruin is threatened. If you feel you can proceed and keep your team complete, than you have my blessing, my son." He held Leo's gaze in his own.

"Of course Master," Leo stood up slowly, a bit amazed at his words. He couldn't believe he had just been given the go ahead to... but his happiness did not last and his face fell. This was, of course, if Raphael was still alive. "Is that all?" he added in a much more solemn voice.

Master Splinter nodded. He watched as Leo bowed deeply and turned to go. "Leonardo," he said finally, and Leo turned back to him.

Master Splinter held out his arms and Leo went to him. "It is good to have you back my son," Master Splinter murmured as he held him close.

"It is good to be back, father," Leonardo replied, relaxing in his father's arms. He smiled, a genuine smile, and was glad.

"We will find your brother," Master Splinter said as Leo pulled away.

Leo ducked his head. "Of course," he replied. He didn't want Master Splinter to see how much that stung. He wanted to believe him. There was nothing else in the world he wanted more...

-


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8 : Blind

He didn't feel like doing anything. Days went by and all Raphael could find the energy to do was lay on his shell, or his side, or his front, staring at the ceiling, or the wall, or the floor. He didn't even eat, at least not on the first day. The second hunger won over stubbornness and he downed the two bars of food and went right back to lying in his corner.

If he were at home, Don would have looked him in the eye and said "Raphael, I think you and me should talk." And, since he wasn't much for disobeying Don since he rarely told him they "needed to talk" he'd reluctantly follow him off. Then he'd endure a frustratingly stupid lecture about how he was probably depressed and angry and needed some medication yada yada blah blah blah.

He didn't like to think about his family. It hurt. He groaned and rolled onto his front, tucking his head between his arms. It didn't stop his mind any though, his thoughts kept on returning to them. He wondered how Leo was recovering. Had he told Don and Mike that Raphael was a horrible pervert and it was best that he wasn't around anymore? Naw, Leo'd be more secretive than that. He'd keep it to himself. Wrap it all inside.

He missed him. He frowned and punched the floor to give him something else to focus on. Like the new pain in his knuckles and the fact that he was going to starve to death...

-

Turned out starvation wasn't what Karai had in mind for him.

After two days of nothing Karai's minions started to put food through the bars of the cell again. He ignored it. The hunger had dulled to numbness and he didn't feel like getting up to get anything. Don would have definitely forced some sort of Dr. bullshit on him by now, he reflected sourly as he lay there.

He wasn't sure how many days it was when she came back for him. He was spending more and more of his time sleeping and the days blurred together in a cell with no window. But she was there, this time dressed in her father's full armor. She stood in front of his cell with her hands on her hips. "Get up Raphael," she said in a disgusted voice.

"Why?" he returned from where he lay with an arm over his face, his voice dry and cracking from misuse. "So that you can kill me?"

She snorted. "You seem to be doing a reasonably good job of it yourself," she said.

Raphael didn't reply. The doors of the cell opened and he heard her step inside. At the same time she tossed something into the cell with him. They clattered to a stop near his head.

Raphael removed his arm and turned his head to look. They were his sais.

He raised an eyebrow ridge and looked up at Karai.

"Get up Raphael," she ordered as she drew a tanto from her belt. "And face me. An honorable death shall befall you instead of this wasting away you seem so set upon."

He got up slowly, stumbling a bit as he did so, his head swimming. As soon as his head cleared he reached down and slowly picked his sais. The weight felt comfortable in his hands, years of training teaching him their feel and texture.

He was going to die. He could feel it, and for the first time in his life he didn't mind so much. She was right, a quick end was better than wasting away. He gripped his sais tighter and prepared himself. "Funny," he began, a grin arching across his face. "I wouldn't think you'd know the meaning of the word honor, Karai," he said, knowing full well that'd get a reaction out of her.

Sure enough she let out a shout of anger and rushed at him, and despite feeling weak, Raphael parried her attack and leapt past her. The adrenalin rush propelled him as he noticed the door of the cell was still open. He reacted without thinking, dodging for the exit, only to have her guards clang it shut before he could reach it.

Damn. He circled back, getting down into a crouch, his eyes glittering with hatred. "Must make you feel good Karai, to attack someone who hasn't eaten in days..."

"Not my fault," Karai growled out, going down in a defensive crouch as well. "It was your choice to abuse your body Raphael, not mine."

They circled one another. Rage was beginning to cloud his desire for a quick end, and suddenly Raphael wanted to kill her instead. His lips curled up into a snarl as he lunged at her, an attack she nimbly jumped out of the way of. That didn't stop him. He went in again, swiping for the side of Karai's mask. She only barely managed to get her sword up to defend herself. She sent him on the defensive, swiping at him. He got his sai under her blow, and twisted. Her tanto went sailing across to the wall and he let out a scream, knocking her back against the wall of the cell.

Karai reacted when he leapt on her. She brought her arm up, swiping it across Raphael's face. She regretted the move instantly... her arm met resistance. She gasped herself as he let out a cry of pain and fell back, dropping his sais to hold his hands to his face.

She stared at him, as he slumped against the far wall of the cell, panting and groaning. His eyes, she realized as he curled in on himself still clenching his head. She turned to the front of the cell, calling for her guards. The door opened instantly and then shut again as she was joined by her staff.

"Raphael..." she began as she took a tentative step towards him. "Let me..."

He jerked away from her, his breathing coming in wet gasps. "Get away from me!" he snapped, the pain in his voice obvious. Now she could see the blood seeping out between his fingers.

She actually felt regret. It didn't last very long as she reminded herself who this was. Raphael was not someone to feel sympathy for. She had the guards wrestle his hands away from his face to confirm what she already knew... the twin slices cut right through, starting at his forehead on the left hand side and ending at his cheek on the right. He cursed and struggled as they held him and pronounced that he'd live. She nodded and sheathed her sword, then retrieved his sais.

"Leave him," was all she said as she left the cell.

-

She spent all night and much of the next day trying to figure out what to do with Raphael. He wasn't dead, at least not when she had some of her men check in on him the next day, but apparently he hadn't moved from where he had crawled into a corner, and still hadn't eaten anything. She felt frustration at that. That wasn't how she intended to have Leonardo's brother go at all.

He was a stubborn fool, bitter and impassioned and in all honesty, she thought, she should really kill him like she had promised. The thought disturbed her more than she would like it, and she remembered the vivid display she had seen that night in the cell. She wondered at it, puzzled over it. Not that it was incestuous, but in the fact that Leo had allowed it to happen when he was obviously against it at first. Truly Raphael had believed her, that she intended to end his life, if he was willing to force himself like that on a brother.

It came at her in a shock of realization and made her all the more angry for it. Raphael was punishing himself... on her time. Letting himself rot away in that cell was his reward for his actions and why he wouldn't fight for his life. She let out a small snort and tossed her head to the side.

She wanted to let him go. Let his family deal with him and met out appropriate punishment. There was only thing...

If she let Raphael go than his family would be complete again, despite Raphael's actions. And if he was back with his family than she would still be all alone with out her father, the only family she HAD. She let out a cry of rage and attacked the support beams in her chambers, putting several deep gouges in them before slipping to her knees. It wasn't fair.

Again she felt regret twist in her gut. Once upon a time she had felt something for Leonardo. She knew deep down, it was a bit of why she had brought him back. It was why she had hurt so much when he had caused her father to be banished. He had left her all alone.

For that she should murder Raphael and leave his body somewhere for him to find.

Except she didn't want to cause him any more pain. She had done enough damage and so had Raphael. It wasn't fair really, but thirst for revenge does fade over time. She frowned as she put herself back together and stood again.

She was going to go talk to her scientist, to see what kind of plan for revenge he could cook up for her.

-

The next day she visited the cell where Raphael lay. He looked worse, breathing harsh and with too many pauses between the breaths and laying there, his face and hands covered with dry blood he hadn't even tried to wash off.

She stopped, and stared, then rolled her eyes.

"Get up," she said.

Raphael raised his hand and gave her the middle finger, which was to say he showed her the finger between his other finger and his thumb. "I'm dying," he rasped out. "Since you're too chicken shit to kill me, I have to do it myself."

"On the contrary, impudent wretch," She snarled, "I'm giving you a chance to see your brothers again."

That got Raphael's attention. He raised his head slightly, so that he would have been looking at her if his eyes weren't blood encrusted shut. He raised his head more, then slowly stumbled to his feet. He stood, leaning against the wall for support as he had his head turned in her direction. "Oh yeah?" he replied softly. It seemed that all of the fight went out of him, even though the corner of his mouth twisted up into a bitter smile. "Now that you've blinded me, sounds like a plan."

"I said you'd never SEE your brother alive again, and I kept that promise," she said in a low voice.

He was silent as he digested that, the smile slowly fading from his face. "I don't..." he turned towards the wall, laid his head against it. He was so fucking tired it was hard to think and he was lightheaded to boot. It made all of the fight flee from him, leaving him weak and helpless in front of his enemy. "I don't want to see Leo again," he said finally, quietly. "Not after..." he fell silent, knowing that Karai could hear his words. It was better not to speak at all. He slowly clenched his hands into fists. "Damn you," he whispered. He let out a dry gasping sound she recognized as a sob.

A grim look crossed her face as she watched him struggle not to break down. She was correct at least with her prediction of why Raphael was letting himself go like this. Finally she sighed and continued by asking a question. "How long can a turtle breath under water Raphael?" She asked.

He turned his head in her direction. "What?" he asked.

She didn't bother repeating herself. "My scientist has devised a plan that will give you a chance to see your brothers once more, Raphael. But he says that there is also a chance you will drown. I suggest you conserve your strength," with that she turned sharply and strode away.

Behind her back in the cell Raphael would have blinked if he could. He then swore softly and fell to his knees, crawling to the door and feeling around for the food...

-


	9. Chapter 9

A/N : Thank you Lies-d and Raphshell for your kind reviews on the last part. You guys really made my day, I'm glad you're enjoying this!

-

Chapter 9 : Found

Everything was wrong. His body was wrong... it didn't feel like it belonged to him. Muscles that used to be honed and fine tuned for stealth and speed in his strikes no longer responded the way they used to. During their first practice together again since his return he cried out and fumbled his bokken, and when he looked at his hand blisters decorated the flesh.

Don had dragged him into his lab after that, eyes narrowed as he studiously looked him over and bound up his hand. He couldn't stand that look on Don's face either, the wary one, like he wasn't really who he was. He wanted to grasp him by the shoulders and shake him, to tell him "Yes, I'm Leonardo, don't look at me like that!"

But he didn't. Because he knew how they felt. He felt it every time he touched the piece of shell that had apparently come from his back. He'd twist around and look at his attached shell in the mirror in the makeshift bathroom and shudder as he stared at it. Whole. Full. He was fine. He couldn't have died...

Raph... Raph knew what had happened to him. He knew it, since his memories began again with his brother hovering over him, looking at him like he was the most important and precious thing in the world.

Raph...

-

"You killed him."

Leonardo jerked awake with a gasp, Michaelangelo's angry face fading away at the same time. He blinked, then groaned, rolling out of bed to stand unsteadily.

"Stop it," he muttered as he made his way to the corner of his room to get his swords and put them back on.

It had been nearly a week since his so-called miraculous reappearance, and he couldn't sleep. He could barely function, weakened and sick by the thought that he had somehow led to Raphael's disappearance. But even after spending all night searching for their missing brother, he found he could not sleep more than a couple hours a day. If he did sleep, that would happen. He'd either dream of Mike or Don angry at him for Raph's disappearance, or he'd dream of Raph.

He honestly didn't know what he'd prefer. Probably Mikey and Don mad at him... the Raph dreams made him ache so badly his chest would constrict and he felt like he would stop breathing. He kept on seeing Raph sitting beside him on a bed... looking at him with sad eyes and asking if he was still afraid of the dark.

For the first time in his life he saw beyond that simple question, beyond it all. Raphael had shown him a part of himself that he had never seen before.

"Stupid," he muttered as he walked to the dojo, his footsteps whisper quiet. "Stupid, stupid," he continued at himself.

His words came back to him, groaned out while he touched him in ways only he had touched himself on the very rare occasions he lost control and indulged. '... Love...' and 'only you...'

'Why didn't you ever say anything?'

He knew the answer to that as he shut his eyes and slipped into the first move of the kata. Raphael was afraid of what he'd think. It was only when he had nothing else to loose that he chose to act on his feelings.

That's how Leo knew... knew that Raphael was probably dead. And it was his fault. His fault for never noticing, for letting his brother die.

The only thing was... how long had Raphael been dead inside? How long had he hidden behind a shield of hatred and antagonism?

He faltered a step and grit his teeth, forcing himself to start from the beginning. This time he made a mistake on the second move. He drew a frustrated sigh and stopped, opening his eyes as realization hit him.

He had killed Raphael far, far before last week hadn't he? He had pushed him away...

He shut his eyes again, pain etching across his face. But... it was necessarily! He needed too have that distance, he had to lead them, he had to be emotionless, it was part of his duty...

By never giving his attention to the brother who needed it the most? His hands slowly balled into fists. Look, it wasn't his fault that Raphael was impossible to deal with. He could have at least tried to meet him half way...

He slowly relaxed and sighed, sitting down in a lotus position. No, but that didn't matter any more did it?

Where are you? He concentrated, trying to connect to his missing brother. Nothing had helped him find him, going back to where he had woken up, confused and stripped of all identity in the cold, (too cold,) drainage tunnel. They were all beside themselves... Mike and Don run ragged as well, unable to unearth any clues.

He frowned, brow ridges furrowed in pain. Raph...

-

They looked everywhere. None of Don's gadgets or anything could pick up where either Leo had come from or Raphael had disappeared to.

In brain storming sessions with the family they had narrowed their choices to a couple different options. The first was Bishop had picked up Leo because he actually had the resources to fix Leo. Second was Karai and perhaps some of her father's utrom technology. The other choices fell in the realm of improbable, including anything to do with Renet and the time scepter.

And Donatello was in awe... and very much convinced that Leo hadn't been restored with anything from Earth. All of Leo's scars had gone. The ones that used to decorate his plastron in the front and shell in the back as well. He was fully restored and good as new. There was nothing on Earth that could do that! And Leo was just as confused as he was, though he tried to give him support as much as he could. But he could see the fear in Leo's eyes, desperately wanting some sort of understanding. He couldn't look back at him then, because he had no answers to give him.

He was also weaker. Don could tell instantly during a practice session when Leo let out a soft cry and fumbled a practice sword. When he held out his hand he could see the blisters on the perfect skin, and Leo had picked up rubbing his arms and legs in distress after only a short while of sparing. What ever had restored him had not rebuilt his strength. Master Splinter realized this quickly and to Leo's dismay ordered him to practice less until he had regained his stamina and strength.

He needed to save his strength for their late night searches anyway. They began to scower the surface looking for Raphael or any clue of what had happened to him. They only had Leo's dream testimony of what had happened to Raphael, which some how to Don was worse than loosing Leo when he had been killed in the bomb blast. At least with Leo there had been a definite. They knew where and when Leo had died, if not where his body went after that. With Raphael they had nothing.

Don hadn't slept very well since Leo's return either. While he wasn't practicing or searching the city with his brothers he had picked up trying to hack into government computers looking for information on Bishop. If he could locate the human they could confront him and demand to know where Raphael was. If Bishop didn't know where he was, you could bet he'd be a help leading to him when he realized there was a mutated so called monster up for grabs somewhere...

"What if Karai has him Donny?" Mike had asked once while hanging off the back of his computer chair and peering over his shoulder.

"No," Leo replied from where he stood behind them both, arms folded across his chest. They both glanced up at him as he shook his head. "Too risky," he replied. "If we break into there again she'll take it out on the rest of you, and I'm not going to risk it. Unless," he gave Don a hopeful look. "You have some evidence that she has him Don?"

Donatello shook his head. He didn't. It bothered him.

It wasn't the only thing that bothered him. The idea that Leo was a plant, traceable to put them all at risk, hadn't escaped him either. But he had performed all sorts of tests on him, searching for some sort of tracker or tracking device and had come up empty. It was frustrating to say the least... nothing in his mind could come up with a logical reason why Raphael would be gone without a trace and Leo would be restored back as good as new without a word of explanation.

All he could do was keep looking, thinking and searching and hoping that they'd come up with some sort of answer.

-

It was a day over a week since Leo's return when someone finally brought an answer to them.

It was a note delivered via bow and arrow and landing only inches from where Leo stood.

Realization flooded Leonardo. Foot. It was the Foot! Karai had him. Leo let out a shout and went after the shadows while Don picked the note up from the arrow.

He found nothing, but that wasn't surprising. A sprint still wore him out, being able to catch up to foot ninjas was impossible in his condition. He grit his teeth at his weakness and returned to where his brothers stood reading the paper. Don looked up as he approached and gave him an alarmed look before handing the paper to him.

Leo read it out loud. "... You have one chance to liberate your brother from an untimely demise, and you only get one clue. Turtles can breathe under water for half an hour. Do you think that's true? The tide is coming in, you'd better hurry.' what the hell?" Leo stared at Don and Mikey in turn.

"Tide's the clue, so Raphael's at the docks," Don replied quickly. "And technically that was two clues if you count the breathing..."

"Which docks?!" Mikey interrupted and asked with anguish in his voice and his brothers knew exactly how he felt. Manhattan was an island surrounded by docks.

"Where the bomb blast went off," Leo replied. "We'll try there first."

It was a hopeless rush against time and they all knew it. Don told them on the way over as they leapt from rooftop to rooftop that the tide would only take about six hours to come in, and they were already an hour or so off of low tide. Calculating for Raph needing a half an hour to suffocate, Don gave them about an hour to find their brother.

Leonardo couldn't do it. It wrenched at him to know he couldn't run as fast any longer when he finally stopped several buildings later, panting for breath. Don and Mike turned and came back for him, even though he waved them off. "Keep... going! Get... to the docks... I'll catch up!" All that mattered was getting Raphael back in one piece and alive. Alive... alive so he could say how sorry he was, that he never noticed...

No. He didn't have time to feel sorry for himself, he had to focus. He got up with determination, continuing in the direction that Mike and Don had left in but slower. When he finally got to the ocean side he could see that Don and Mike had stolen a motor boat and were searching the docks further down the shore, in the area facing Staten Island. Don was steeringT, fighting to keep the boat steady as Mike stood looking out over the water.

He waited at the edge of a dock until Don and Mike reached him, then jumped in to join them.

There was no need to ask. By the grim looks on their faces he could tell that they hadn't found him.

Their hunting progress was made longer by the fact that they literally had to stop and beam the boat lights on every part of the shore line they could, calling out for Raph as they went. It was after about forty five minutes of searching fruitlessly that Michaelangelo had a brainwave. "Statue of Liberty!" he exclaimed. "He's at the Lady!"

Leo gave him an odd look even as Donatello instantly began to steer the motorboat towards the bottom of Manhattan and the statue. "How do you figure Mike?" Leo asked, hopeful despite himself.

"A hunch," Mikey replied as he practically vibrated from foot to foot. "She said a clue in the note right?"

"Yeah?" Don returned over the sound of the engine.

"Well what if that was a clue as well?" he asked. "Liberate? Liberty?"

"It's worth a shot," Leo agreed and Don nodded.

They reached the Statue of Liberty and pulled up along its west shore. They checked the tourist loading dock first, but there was no sign of him.

"Maybe he isn't here?" Leo called out, a worried frown on his face.

Donatello shook his head and turned the boat around. "There's a dock on the other side!" he shouted back at them.

Sure enough there was, a long thin one that extended into the ocean for maintenance crews docking onto the island. The waves were choppy and as they called out for him, afraid that they were too late, and even if he had been here he had already drowned.

It was Leo who saw him first. "Over there!" he said, pointing to one of the pillars at the very end. Sure enough there was a head shaped lump at the bottom where the ocean met the dock.

"Don can you pull us in closer?" Leo cried out, but Don was already heading towards him.

It was Raph. He only had his head above water and that, barely. He was turned towards the docks and as they came in closer they could see he was gripping the dock tightly just above his head, with his face up, trying desperately to keep his beak above the waves.

Leo leapt into the water, despite the way his already aching limbs screamed at him for making them work, swimming the last little ways towards him. He heard someone hit the water behind him, and a glance over his shoulder told him that Mike had jumped in after him. "See what he's tied up with," Leonardo ordered. Michaelangelo nodded once and dived down underwater.

"Raph?" Leo questioned over the sound of the boat motor, coming up alongside of him.

"Leo!" Raphael jerked his head in Leo's direction and it was then that Leonardo could see in the scant light from the motor boats headlights. There was something wrong with his face...

"Leo, I can't see!" the panic in Raphael's voice was palpable as he coughed up a mouthful of ocean water and clenched his teeth. "God damn it!"

"It's okay!" Leo shouted over the sound of the motor, coming alone behind him and wrapping his arms around his back, putting his hands over top of Raph's, securing him to the dock. "I'm here, you're okay."

Raphael shook his head quickly, splashing water up in Leo's face. Leo held on harder. "It ain't! Leo, I can't see..." Raphael's voice seemed more like a sob now as he repeated himself. "Can't..."

"Shh," Leonardo stuck his head as close to Raph's ear hole as possible. "I've got you..." It was then that he could see in another flash of light that twin puckered scars highlighted Raphael's face, falling over where his eyes where. He felt a stab of rage shoot through him.

_i Karai /i _...

He couldn't focus on that right now. Right now all that mattered was getting his brother back home safe and sound. Leonardo just held onto him closer, supporting him upright with his own body as they waited for Michaelangelo to resurface.

He did so seconds later. "Tied!" he announced. "With chains around the bottom of the pier. We need bolt cutters," he added.

That was easy enough to fix and Mikey was already swimming back to the boat. Don always carried a pair of bolt cutters in his bag, they came in extremely useful while sneaking around under the city and through its less occupied places undetected.

Mikey got them and started to swim back out to them. Leo pushed off from Raph and met him half way. "Stay with him, keep his head up," he ordered as he took the bolt cutters from Mikey. "You'll need to get him on the boat!" he added just before he dived down.

They were turtles sure, but their mutation had brought them a bit more closer to human than turtle. Which meant they all could only make it about ten minutes without breathing, and that was pushing it. And he was definitely pushing it... he wasn't sure how long he could hold his breath in his condition...

Which meant he had to get this done fast. Leo saw what Michaelanglo meant immediately. Chains wound their way around Raphael's torso and feet, which then fell down into the water, tying him to the bottom of the dock. Raphael had pulled the lines taunt in his struggle to remain above the surface. Leo dove deeper, looking for the end of the chains so he could cut him loose. Sure enough at the bottom of the pillar lay a pair of bolts where the chains were clipped into the cement foundation. Leo swam to it and clipped one off, then the other. He only just managing to duck away as the second tightly pulled chain snapped free and lashed through the water. He swam back to the surface to find Michaelangelo was already swimming towards the boat with Raphael half laid out over the back of his shell. Leo went over to help Mikey load their injured brother into the boat. He could then see that Raphael was half passed out, and wasn't pulling his own weight at all. He had made the right choice by putting Mike in charge of carrying Raphael...

"He doesn't look very good," Mikey said as Leo climbed over the side of the boat to join them. Leo merely nodded and handed him the bolt cutters as Don left the controls for half a second to hand them the emergency blanket from his bag.

He was exhausted, Leo thought dully as he shimmied up Raph's body, laying the blanket overtop of him as he went. He didn't care though. He grasped Raphael's his head in his hands and lay it in his lap as Mike got the rest of the heavy chains off of him and tossed them over the side.

He wasn't going to let him go any time soon. Raphael was moaning softly, making tiny pained sounds in his throat that he wouldn't be caught dead making if he were more with it. Leo frowned and smoothed a hand over his cheek as Don turned the boat around and headed back for shore. Raphael let out a slightly more articulate grunt and reached one wet shaking hand up. Leo caught it and held it tight.

Raphael rolled his head to the side, his brow furrowing despite the gashes on his face. "Leo," he choked out, his voice horse.

Leo lowered his head so he could speak and be heard over the roar of the engine. "I'm here Raph, I've got you."

That didn't seem to matter and Raphael tossed his head to the other side. "Leo... sorry..." he gasped out. He let go of his hand suddenly to cough violently, convulsing in Leo's lap. Leo pressed his hands to Raphael's shoulders as he shook, exchanging a worried look with Mike as he did so.

"Raph?" Leo questioned, kneading his shoulders with concern. That only got some more whimpered sounds as Raphael's shaking grew worse. Leo stilled his hands, at a slight loss as to what to do. Until they could get home and Don could look him over...

"Step on it, Don!" Mike called over his shoulder.

"I'm going as fast as I can!" Donatello yelled back at them. "Almost there!" he added as he turned the boat in a wide arch to come up along side some of the docks near where they had picked up Leo.

Mike turned back and fidgeted nervously as Leo nodded, accepting that Don was doing all he could to get them to shore quickly and safely. He lowered his head down towards Raphael once more. "Stay with me Raph," he said softly, hoping that Raphael could hear him. "We'll be home soon..."

-


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10 : Blind

* * *

There had to be some irony in the fact that he was going to die for the third time in as many weeks. Raphael clung to the dock with all his strength, coughing up water. The fresh rope burns on his wrists where they had tied him stung in the cold ocean water. He was exhausted, blinded, and chilled to the bone. Even his voice was broken and hoarse from when he'd screamed at Karai, goading her to just kill him already as her minions threw him over the side of the boat and set about securing him with chains.

She hadn't said much the entire time. Her scientist though, fuck, if he were free he'd stuff his hand down that man's throat and pull out his tongue. Dr. Chaplin spent the entire time both on the way to the docks and while soldiers were tying him up chortling about how wonderful his plan was. He didn't see the brilliance that Chaplin obviously did. He was weak. Tired. And blind. How was that brilliant? 

Finally they finished, leaving him in water up to his neck and waves beating against his face. All he could do was grimly hang on. 

"Raphael!" Karai's voice carried over the waves as she shouted at him from her boat. "May your brothers prove smarter than they appear to be." 

He didn't even bother to retort, merely growled and spat out water when a large wave caught the side of his face. 

He hated feeling helpless. Hated it. And he hadn't been in a more helpless situation in his entire life. 

* * *

He had almost given up when rescue came. Almost. The effort wasn't worth it anymore, the struggle to keep his chin up. Every second breath was stolen from him by a crash of water. He coughed and choked and forced himself to stay conscious. 

He had no idea why. Why he was even fighting this hard. Could he even face Leo again? Raw embarrassment ate at him. Why bother? Except... 

No matter what he had done to Leo, even if Leonardo never forgave him, at least he'd be able to be with them again. Leo would rescue him no matter how he felt about him... that was what Leo would do... and the idiot would blame himself if Raphael let himself drown. 

So he had to stay alive for him. And when he did show up, he'd apologize to him. Definitely. He had never really done that before, but forcing him against his will deserved an apology. Master Splinter always said he had no control. Leo merely proved it. 

He had nearly faded out of consciousness again when he heard the distant roar of a boat motor. He almost thought he was hallucinating when he heard the sound of voices. Familiar voices. 

It was Leo! He cried out to him, unable to see, only hear. He didn't calm at all until he felt strong hands wrap around him from behind. The rest was a blur of actions that led to him being laid against something hard with the buzzing voices of his brothers around his head. He was alive. He didn't know how much longer, but he was alive. He reached out blindly, searching for him, for Leo, and gave him that apology. After that, he became quite incoherent until later, during the long damp trek through the storm drains back to their lair. 

* * *

He was aware of being jostled about and carried between two people as he jerked his head up and groaned. Every single part of him ached, even his feet. He still forced himself to use those feet, taking a bit of load off of the two he was between. 

Don and Mike evidently. He got a pleasant "careful there Raph" from the left and a "yeah dude, we gotcha!" from the right. 

He grunted, his head swimming. He winced and tried to force his head to clear. "Leo?" he croaked out, his voice raw. 

"He's gone on ahead," Don replied. "To tell Master Splinter and to help get my lab ready," he added. 

Raphael grunted again and tried to pull away from them, though they both refused to let him go. "Don't need no lab," he muttered. 

Silence for a moment and he imagined Don and Mike exchanging looks over him. "I need to look at that face," Don said quietly. 

"Yeah dude you have like gross hunks of skin hanging off of your cuts," Michaelangelo said helpfully. That got a displeased sound from Don. 

Raphael merely grunted, a bit pleased and a bit horrified at the same time. Pleased he had grossed out his brothers, however unintentionally and horrified at how he must look. For some unknown reason he also wondered what Leo would think and mentally cursed himself at the retardedness of that thought. Who fucking cared if Leo found him to be gross? 

That did bring to mind another problem. He nearly stopped trying to drag himself along at it, and Don made a questioning noise. "Raph?" he asked. 

Raph merely shook his head and forced himself to keep going. "Nothin'" he replied. 

In fact it was far from nothing. He was suddenly deathly afraid that Leo'd seek personal vengeance for his injuries and go after Karai for what she had done to him. If Leo did that... he'd loose him again. He was suddenly very very certain he never wanted Leo to go near Karai again. 

* * *

Donatello had Mikey help him take Raphael to his lab first, laying him out on the impromptu table the entire family used as a medical bed when one of them got injured enough to need fixing while lying down. 

Don frowned at his patient, giving Master Splinter a slightly worried look as he came to hover over his body. 

Raphael groaned and tossed his head to the side as Don touched his face. "Go 'way," he muttered. "Hurts," he added, aware that he wasn't getting out of this until he let Don operate on him. He kept an ear out for Leo but Leonardo hadn't said anything since he had entered the lair. Master Splinter had even laid a hand on his shoulder and welcomed him back, so he didn't know why Leo was being so quiet. He knew he was there though, he could feel his silent presence. Mikey had greeted him loudly as well, making him hyperaware that he was watching from a distance. 

Embarrassment clung to him again. He wondered if Leonardo was angry at him. If he was than he could go fuck himself, Raph thought, suddenly angry. He did everything he could to bring him back... 

'But you also took what wasn't yours to take as well, didn't you?' a nasty little voice in his head reminded him, making his anger flee as fast as it had come. 

He didn't have much time to wallow in embarrassment and self pity when Don started poking at him and his thoughts slammed back to throbbing in his face. That HURT. 

* * *

"Give me a second Raph," Donatello motioned to Master Splinter to hold the sides of his head while he pulled out the medical equipment he had painstakingly collected over the years. He then went over to the sink, washing his hands and arms obsessively for a few minutes before returning. He reached out for Raphael's face again. Mikey and Leo stood back from him, knowing to give Don his space. 

Raphael merely groaned as Don started poking at his raw injury, weakly kicking out with his legs.

"Do you want me to get his legs, Don?" Leo asked from where he stood near his feet. 

Oh, there he was. Raphael managed a chuckle, even as Don shook his head in a 'no' and continued to work. "Hey Fearless," he said, almost a bit shyly, wide grin arching across his face. The grin was fleeting. "Ow!" he added as Don touched him. 

Don pulled back and gave him an irritated look. "Raph, you gotta stay still..."

"Not my... fault," Raphael muttered. "That fucking hurts." 

Master Splinter made a noise of discontent at the swear, but didn't say anything. There would be time for chastising later, right now he was just happy to see his son alive and well again. 

"Sorry sensei," Raphael said, picking up on his father's disapproval. He managed to be silent for a couple more seconds, until another touch from Don had him jerk away again. "God idamn it/i Don!" 

Master Splinter grasped the sides of his head in his hands after a nod from Donatello. 

"Well at least he sounds fine," Mikey quipped as he stepped forwards. He touched his leg, prepared to grab it next time Raphael moved. 

Don made a tsking sound, the expression on his face growing more and more grave. "They're deep Raph," he said after a moment. "I don't think you're going to see again any time soon." 

They all stared at Don, except for Raph, who groaned loudly. Don looked ashamed, managing a small little shrug as he glanced from Leo to Master Splinter and back again. "I'll do what I can," he added. 

"Raphael," Leo's arms where folded across his chest. "Did Karai did this to you?" There was a deadly tone to his voice. He knew it had been her, but he needed to know for sure. He was going to go after her the moment he knew Raph was going to survive, which was looking more likely by the second. 

Raphael tensed, his hands flexing at the bed for a moment, then raised his head in his general direction. He ignored the noise of protest from Don. "Down Leo," he said. "No fightin' Karai on my behalf. She brought you back to life too." He stabbed a finger in his general direction. "Ya don't wanna be ungrateful do ya?" 

There was stunned silence in the room. At least until Mike broke it up with a loud "OHHH!! But... huh," he paused and they all looked at him. "That's interesting. Wonder why she did that?" he asked finally.

Raphael let out a little snort. "Because she has the hots for him. Why the fuck else?" 

"Raphael," Master Splinter said quietly. 

"Sorry," Raph muttered, his voice lowered considerably. "But it's true. Why else would she put him back together anyway?" Now a plaintive note entered his voice. "Fer decoration?" 

Leonardo's frown deepened. "So you took it upon yourself to just run in there, without back up, and demand she to give me back?" he asked. His tone was clear: he didn't think Raphael thought his actions through. It would be just like Raph... 

"Hey!" Raphael snapped back, old anger returning to his voice as he tried to sit up again. "It worked didn't it? Sheesh, I don't even know why I--"

"Raphael!" Donatello snapped, stepping back from Raphael. "Please!" he glared at Leonardo though, fixing him with a glare. Leo should know better than argue with Raph while he was trying to work on him. 

"This discussion is over," Master Splinter agreed, giving Leonardo a significant look as well. "We will continue it later, when we've all had some rest." 

Leonardo lowered his gaze, duly chastised. He felt guilty then, bad that he was showing his worry and concern through arguing with him. Raphael had saved his life... he sighed. He didn't mean too...

Donatello had returned to Raphael. "He'll need stitches," he said finally to Master Splinter as he pulled back from Raph's face. "I need to seal these cuts up so they can heal properly. And..." he hesitated. "I don't know how weak he is, but I really need to use drugs for this..." 

Master Splinter nodded and Don turned his attention to his brother. "Raph?" he asked. 

"Whatever, get it over with," Raphael returned grouchily. 

Don turned away and went about gathering up a syringe and studying its contents as he carefully measured it out. "Try to stay still Raph," he said finally as he prepped Raph's arm and slid the needle in. He then put down the syringe and went to get his medical kit. 

"Raphael," Leo said finally as Don rummaged around. Raphael tensed ever so slightly but Leo forced himself to make his voice as gentle and kind as possible. He reached out and touched Raph's foot, thumbing an ankle. "Thank you," he said softly. If Raph could see, he would have seen the gentle smile on his face. "For coming to get me." 

Raphael relaxed, though his expression remained closed. "Whatever," he muttered and years of practice Leo could recognize embarrassment on his face. He scratched his side absently, the motions slowing as the drugs began to take effect. "... Dunno why she 'cided not to off me," he said finally in a drowsy voice. "Part of the deal an' all..." he yawned. "So she'd bring ya back instead..." he trailed off, now completely limp and relaxed. Don returned to his side, but not before sneaking a glance at Leo. They were all looking at him now and Leo dropped his eyes in shame. 

He could read between the lines as Raphael drifted off into oblivion. They all could. 

Raphael had made a deal with Karai to exchange his life for Leo's. He shut his eyes briefly, then opened them and reaching out and touching Raph's foot again. His stomach fluttered and for a moment he wondered wildly if he was going to be sick. 

He was supposed to protect them. Even in death he had caused Raphael to do this to himself... 

He was angry, but he knew it was at himself, not Raphael. This was not Raph's fault. Well not mostly. The responsibly lay on him and he had failed... he shut his eyes and shook his head slightly, then forced them back open and blankly watched as Don began to operate. 

* * *

Raphael's breathing leveled out as Don continued to work. It took nearly an hour. When Donatello finally pulled away weariness stood out on his face as he wiped a back of a hand across a brow. 

"Done," he said. 

Michaelanglo stared. "But... what about his eyes?" He said finally, his own eyes wide. 

Donatello's head hung a little lower. He looked so defeated... "Both were damaged, sliced into with the cuts. There's nothing I can do for now," He looked up again. "I'm sorry father." He said. 

Master Splinter reached out and touched his son on the arm. "You did your best," he replied. "What matters now is helping him heal in both body and spirit," he added. 

Donatello nodded but looked like he didn't feel any better as he went to get gauze to wrap around Raphael's injury. 

"Man," Mikey finally piped up as Don wound the cloth around Raphael's head, hiding the angry red scars from sight. "He's gonna be pissed when he wakes up and find out he can't see." Leonardo shot Mike a look. 

"Well it's true!" he exclaimed in response to being glared at. 

"I should stay with him," Don said as he finished. "Just in case he wakes up..." 

"I'll do it," Leonardo said. He glanced at Master Splinter and got a slight nod from him. "Can you guys help me get him to my room?" 

* * *

They did, again slung between two brothers, this time Don and Leo to give Mikey's still healing arm a rest. As soon as they had Raph laid in Leo's futon Don stood again as he watched as Leonardo lit his meditation candles. "Give me a call if you need me for anything," he said. Leonardo nodded absently and Don left the room. 

Leaving just Leo and Raphael. And... Master Splinter. The rat watched as Leo knelt beside his brother, a troubled expression on his face as he watched him sleep. 

A furred hand landed on his shoulder. 

Leo glanced up, looking a little lost. "He loves me," he said finally. Raph had tried to die for him. Whatever he had said or did it had been enough to convince Karai to let him go and take Raphael's life instead. During the last couple years he'd even go as far as to say that Raphael was selfish, the most selfish one of all of them, but that was the single most selfless thing anyone had ever done for him. "Love" was a simple word, but it meant so much.

"Yes." His father replied. "Was that ever in doubt?"

"No, I..." Leonardo looked down again. He was quiet and contemplative as he inspected his hands. "I don't know... if I have the strength to..." he paused, brow knitting as he searched for the right words. "Help him. Show him I care and am... thankful..." 

Master Splinter was silent for a long moment as he too inspected Raphael where he slept. Then he patted Leo on the shoulder. "Do... what your heart tells you to do, Leonardo. You are wise. Your brother is injured right now, and his injuries may not all be external. You must tread carefully around matters of the heart. Take care with his feelings, show him your patience and support. He will need your love. But, most importantly, he will need his brother to lead him and to guide him. Do you understand?" he asked. 

Leonardo bowed his head. He didn't know if he did, but he was sure he would eventually. "Yes father," he replied dutifully. 

* * *

For a very long time after Master Splinter left Leonardo just stared at Raphael. Now that he was in his bed... he could think about what he dared not back during the rescue, or while Don fixed him up. His brother's words came back to him from that night and they troubled him now. 'I'm already dead bro,' and 'cause I loved you to much'. 

He should have seen it. He thought Raphael had hated him, not... 

Ha. He tilted his head back again, wry smile touching his lips. His brother loved him. He knew that now... but he also KNEW it. That night, in that room together, the hooded look in his eyes, lust... love... but it was more than that. 

"Was it really worth loosing your sight?" he asked softly, reaching out and touching the side of Raphael's face. He tried to ignore how Raphael's head moved slightly and his brother murmured in his sleep, obviously in pain. 

He felt faint anger at Karai for doing this, but it was pushed back by raw confusion. He honestly had no idea why she had done this. He had been dead. He had the shell pieces to prove it. Even if she liked him as Raph insisted, why tie an extremely injured Raphael to a dock and try to drown him? None of it made sense... 

Unless she intended to kill Raphael and had a change of heart... 

No matter. He set his jaw with determination as he stood again then went over to the mat in the middle of his room where he usually meditated. 

He'd show him. 

No more letting his brother get under his skin, no more meaningless arguments. When Raphael woke up, he'd show him... he'd show him everything.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11 : Sight**

He woke up with a pounding headache. He couldn't see... but he was starting to get used to waking up blind. Then he realized that he was also comfortable. The bed...

Bed.

He moved against the covers he was under, a bit amazed. He inhaled deeply... and was brought up short.

Leo. He could smell him. He made a very soft sound, memories rushing back to him. Of being on Don's lab table. Of being surrounded by his family. And especially...

"L-Leo?" he called out, his voice rusty, the words burning at his dry throat. He winced as he struggled to sit up. That made his head swim and his ears ring, and he had to sit there a moment and just let it clear.

He could hear him move as the ringing in his ears faded. He was somewhere to his left. He didn't hear him again until he was much closer. A hand touched his arm gently, which made him tense. He mentally berated himself for that as Leo's hand fell away again, taking his tensing as a sign to leave him alone.

Luckily Leonardo chose to speak, adding his voice to his limited senses. "I'm here," Leo said quietly. His voice was just slightly above him and Raph raised his chin a bit. There was a moment of silence, then Leo continued. "How are you feeling?"

Raphael grunted. "Like crap," he replied. "Did Don fix me?" he touched the bandages with a hand.

There was silence, which told him the answer pretty clearly.

"Great," he muttered.

"I'm sorry Raph-" Leo began, but Raphael didn't want to hear it.

"Could ya get me something to drink?" he asked, cutting him off. "My mouth feels like something died in it."

"... Right," Leo replied. Raphael tried to listen as Leo made his way out of the room but he couldn't hear a damn thing. He grit his teeth. Of course Leo walked silently. It was part of their training, though Leo was the only one who did it habitually. But in this case it was just another thing to bug him about his new predicament. All he knew was that one moment he felt Leo standing near him, the next he wasn't. A few moments after that he heard the soft sound of one of the kitchen cupboards being closed and the tell tale sound of water running.

At least he came back promptly. "Here," a voice said far too close for comfort and Raphael jumped.

"Geezus Leo," he snapped, turning his head towards his voice. "I kinda can't see ya know?" At the same time he thrust out his hand for the cup.

"Sorry," Leonardo replied again, an apologetic note to his voice. "I'll try to, uh..." his hand connected with Raph's to give him the cup. Raph brought it to his mouth. He drank and let out a tiny growl as some of it missed and splattered on his chest. Wiping his mouth off with the back of his hand he tossed the cup away and laid back down with a huff. It clattered across the floor. He heard Leo pick it up and put it down somewhere, probably on the small table beside his bed.

"I'm in yer bed ain't I?" he asked Leo after a few moments of silence. He really didn't need to ask, he could smell Leo all around him.

There was another odd pause before Leo replied again. "Yes," he said.

Fucking great. He made a snorting sound and turned on his side away from Leonardo.

He could hear him breathe. He listened as Leo drew in a breath. Let it out again. Drew it in again and finally spoke. "Raph," he began. And then a hand touched his shoulder.

There was irony in this somewhere. Leo was preparing himself. Being the brave fucking leader -- fearless -- in the face of whatever he faced. Right now that was HIM.

He began to sweat as he laid there, tense, feeling the gentle pressure of Leonardo's hand. Leo moved it ever so slightly. Up and down. Stroking his shoulder. Reassuringly. Raphael couldn't imagine what the look was on Leo's face and found himself wishing so badly he could see him. His breathing was even now, but that didn't tell him anything. Leo breathing even was normal... he rarely lost that. Well, except for that night in the cell Leo was breathing pretty erratic than... he could probably do it again too.

'Stop it,' he ordered his mind. God he was so fucked up. He was weak, blind, hungry and in pain and all he could think about was molesting his brother? 'STOP IT.' And with that he jerked his shoulder away from Leo's touch.

Leonardo sighed. "Why do you always have to be this way, Raph?" he asked quietly.

There it was. That tone. The one Leo used on him most of the time. Soon enough he'd be getting lectures on his attitude. He couldn't handle that right now. Not right... His hands fisted in the sheets. "Fuck off," he snapped, though his voice didn't quite come out as strong as he would have liked it too.

Leo sighed again. Heavily. That was a familiar sound too and Raphael grit his teeth, steeling himself. "Look, Raph," Leo said with exaggerated patience. The hand fell on his shoulder again, this time firmly. "You've been through a lot. You can't see. Because of that you're going to have to rely on one of us to help you..."

"So?" Raphael blurted out, cutting him off. "Get one of the others to do it. Mike. Or Don." Shit. He didn't mean that. He regretted his words instantly. His head pounded harder. Now he was afraid that Leo'd give up. What if he did?

Leo was quiet for a couple moments. He could pretend he could hear the gears grinding in his head. Then finally his hand fell away. "I can get one of them to help you if it makes you more comfortable," he said, his voice a bit distant.

That was it then. Leo wasn't going to fight him on this.

He couldn't reply. He was afraid that his voice would come out strangled and choked, like how he felt. He listened as Leonardo began to walk towards the exit, this time walking loud enough to be heard.

He had to call him back. 'If you let him go, you'll loose him again,' he told himself angrily. 'Now swallow your god-damned pride and call him back.'

He almost didn't do it. Almost. His mouth opened and formed the words twice before he was finally able to croak it out. "... wait. Leo."

He laid still, listening. He couldn't hear anything. But at least Leo had stopped moving. Had he heard him then?

Apparently he had. Again he felt his presence beside the bed before he actually did anything. Raphael rolled over, towards him. His hands were still balled into fists at his sides, he realized as he forced them to uncurl. Relax.

"What?" Leo asked. He sounded faintly annoyed.

Raphael merely moved his head from one side to the other slowly.

Leonardo heaved another sigh. "Move over," He said finally, his voice a clipped order.

Raphael was surprised. "Wha?" he asked.

The futon sank heavily to his left hand side and Raphael slid over on impulse. Leo... actually crawled into bed beside him. He felt him sink into the mattress, settling back on his shell.

"Leo?" he managed, sitting up. A hand caught his chest and pushed him back down forcefully. Raphael let himself be pushed down, still too surprised to do anything but obey.

"No," Leo's voice was strong. Commanding. "You're injured and you're going to sleep. I'm going to sleep right here beside you, in my own bed, and if you need anything..." he paused pointedly. "I'll get it for you. Got it?"

Raph was silent for a long moment as that sunk in. Finally he nodded. "Yeah Leo, I got it," He replied still sounding a bit surprised. "Chill." With that he laid back down again and turned, with his back to Leo. He did it, not because he was angry, but to hide the smile that was threatening to sneak across his face.

* * *

Raphael was abnormally quiet for the rest of the night, only speaking in monosyllables when he shifted and let Leo know that he wanted something. The first thing he wanted was pretty easy... he said bathroom and Leo got up with him. He endured, silently, the trek to the bathroom. He placed Raph's hand down on the edge of the sink and flipped the toilet seat lid up for him. Then, when Raphael merely stood there stiffly, Leo wisely retreated from the room.

He heard him move about in there and then the sound of the shower soon after that.

He meditated cross-legged in the hall until Raphael finally emerged much later. He seemed determined to walk himself to the kitchen, using the wall for support. Mikey came out of his room briefly to watch Raph, then flashed Leo a thumbs up and a grin before retreating back the way he came. Leo even let him fumble around in the cupboards for a bit before coming up behind him and placing his hands over Raph's. That got him a grunt and a jerk, then Raph stilled.

"What are you looking for?" he asked him gently.

Raphael let go of the cupboard door and deliberately removed himself from Leo's grasp. "Sandwich," he said.

"'kay." Leo tugged him over to a kitchen chair and placed his hand against it. "I'll get it for you," he said.

Raphael stood ramrod straight up and looked like he was going to argue, then sighed grumpily and sat as Leo made the food. He still looked angry as Leo put the sandwich in front of him and took a seat on the other side of the table.

He watched as Raphael ate, every action sharp, sometimes with little grunts and growls. It was easy for Leo to see that he was upset. He didn't blame him either... he'd be pretty upset too if he lost his sight. However, unlike Raphael he'd learn to deal with it. Raphael... he was a different story.

He was going to explode eventually, Leonardo reflected grimly as he watched Raph finish eating. He may have won the right to take care of him, but Raphael wouldn't put up with this for long. He'd bet anything on that.

It was his dilemma, he realized. Raphael was closed off to him, and he didn't know how to get him back, back to where he was that night in the cell. Well outside of dying that is, and he certainly didn't intend to do that again. But how was he supposed to show Raphael everything he wanted to if he wouldn't even let him touch him? He needed to break down Raphael's walls somehow and he had no idea how to do that. He was always the WORST at getting through to Raph, not the best.

Though he wasn't much for giving up, and he wasn't about to do it now. He'd just keep trying different things until something worked. He had to. For Raphael's sake and his own.

* * *

The week just kept on getting worse for Raphael. He only made it one night sleeping in the same bed as Leo, and it was back to his own room. He instantly found his own bed to be a much more comfortable place... he didn't have to lie there and wonder about how Leo felt about him or resist the urge to molest him. It would be very good if he could just avoid ever having to touch Leo again... sadly enough, Leo seemed determined to touch him more than he had ever done before in his life.

It was beginning to drive him nuts. He insisted on leading Raphael all over the lair, like he hadn't lived there before. It wounded his pride to be led to the breakfast table the day after he got back. He quickly wrenched his arm out of Leo's grasp as soon as they got there, but everyone could see. Except him, of course.

Breakfast was awkward. Mikey and Don were trying to nervously make small talk around them and he was hyper sensitive of the fact that Leo was sitting beside him, quiet as could be. He could hear the false cheerfulness in Mikey's voice as he asked if they were going to practice that morning, and Master Splinter's reply of yes.

He got through his katas fine without being able to see. His head still hurt and he still felt weak, but they never let little inconveniences like that bug them. He was put with Don, for sparring who was probably the best choice in his situation. Don was predictable, slow and deliberate. He also was very careful not to hit Raphael around the head and knock his stitches, though Raph knew that was more because he didn't want to have to put those stitches back in.

To make things worse, Leo had taken it upon himself to spend all afternoon training with him extra to help him get used to blind combat.

Training with Leo was a pain in the ass. Rage was slowly building up. He endured the first day, partly because he was still recovering his strength and was allowed to go sleep after only a few minutes. The second day was a different story.

"Again!" Leo ordered, his voice coming from Raphael's right. He growled and swung, trying to hit Leo with the wooden sword, but he met nothing. The voice came from his left this time. "Too slow Raphael, try again."

Like he was fucking going to. It had been two hours already. At least. He let out a cry of rage and tossed the sword against the wall with all his might, feeling a bit satisfied to hear it crack. Good.

He also heard Leo let out that little self suffering sigh of his. He grit his teeth.

"Raphael," Leo began. "You can do this. It just takes patience..."

Raphael snorted. "Yeah well, patience ain't something I got a lot of bro." He went to stop from the dojo, only to remember yet again that he couldn't fucking see so he had to reach out and feel for the wall before bashing into it. Once he found that it was smooth enough sailing, he could feel around and book it down the hall with one hand on the wall.

He reached up and swung himself onto the second floor, making his way to his room and lying down on his bed with a thump. He laid there with his arms folded across his chest and waited.

Surprisingly, it was Don who came, not Leo. "Hey," he heard Don say from the doorway.

Raphael sat up. "Yeah?" he returned in the general direction of Don's voice.

He listened as Don stepped into the room and walked across the floor towards him. "I just wanted to check your bandages," his brother said.

Raphael muttered "ah" and let Don do what he wanted.

"He's trying his best you know," Don said once he was almost done.

Raphael tensed. "I don't wanna talk about it," he grumbled.

Donatello was quiet as he carefully tugged the gauze back down over his eyes. "Okay," he replied. He was silent for a moment then placed a hand on Raphael's arm. "They'll come out in a couple days," he said. "But the scaring is going to be permanent..."

Raphael let out a little snort. "Well it don't matter much does it, if I can't see."

"You might not be blind forever," Don said.

Raphael snorted. "Yeah well, unless you find a human willing to give up there eyes, I don't really see how you're gonna fix it Don."

"I'll find a way Raph, I promise," Don said earnestly.

"Whatever."

Donatello let out that "you're being impossible" sigh before turning and leaving the tunnel.

Leo didn't come in all afternoon. He was beginning to feel depressed, like his brother didn't care, when dinner was announced by Mikey. He grumbled a bit, then hauled his ass out of bed to make his slow way down the stairs to the kitchen. He may have gotten the hang of swinging up to his bedroom, but he wasn't quite confident enough to jump down to the first floor without sight yet.

He sat down with a sigh and waited patiently for Mike to serve the food. He absolutely hated this part. Eating. Trying to line up the food with his mouth and not fail. Fuck it was difficult. He had to keep a napkin with him the entire dinner, wiping his face from when it got food on it.

That just added to his bad mood. He finally gave up when he figured he had eaten enough off of his plate and tossed his napkin down. "I'm going ta bed," he announced grumpily and headed back up to his room.

He wasn't tired yet so he punched the wall a couple of times, enough to bruise his knuckles before slumping down in his bed with a groan.

His life just kept getting better and better didn't it?

A few minutes later he could hear his brothers moving about in the kitchen, putting the dishes away and cleaning up. It was a few minutes after that that he heard someone at his door. It was Leo.

"Hey," he said gently.

"Fuck off," Raphael replied.

That didn't work. Leo merely walked further into the room. "Look, Raph, if you want something to take your anger out on, I'm here you know."

Raphael made a small contemptuous noise and ignored him. At least until Leo reached out for him.

Maybe his ninja skills where higher than expected. He was able to grab Leo's hand before he could even touch him, using a move trained in him since he was small to flip his brother and land him in a hold beneath him.

This put him in quite a predicament. He had Leo beneath him, all of him, his front bone plates rubbing against the back of his brother's shell. What the hell was he going to do with him anyway? He actually stopped short for a moment. Leo, though, Leo kept on struggling and surprisingly enough Raphael found he could predict and catch every blow his brother attempted to land on him. They wrestled. Fell off of Raphael's bed with a thump and kept on going. Raphael was kinda grateful he had taken the time to blindly shove his shit into the corners of the room, cause otherwise they'd both be in a lot of pain.

As it was he was finding this quite a turn on. Well, other than the fact that he wouldn't mind strangling Leo. Fucking him fast and hard would do as well.

The fact that he still felt this way about Leo only made him angrier.

He lashed out, his fist connecting with flesh, causing Leo to yelp. Leo hit him back in the jaw. He fell back, momentarily stunned as pain swelled up from his head.

Leonardo didn't stop there. He pushed his advantage and flipped Raphael onto his stomach. Raph didn't stop struggling, grunting and spitting as he tried to throw Leo off. It was only when Leo let out a chuckle and grasped his tail that Raph froze. He remained perfectly still as Leo pulled it up, exposing him to the cool damp air of the room.

"Leo!" the tense, frightened sound of his voice didn't belong to him. "What the hell?" he added, making sure he now sounded indignant and angry. Which he was.

"I thought some playing might be good for you," there was amusement in Leo's voice.

Raphael scrambled out from under Leo and backed up until his shell hit a wall. "Fuck you," he hissed at him. He felt hurt. And violated. Leo was toying with him. He didn't like being played with, especially when he was blind and couldn't see a damn thing.

"I thought that was the idea," Leo said as his voice drew nearer to Raphael.

Raphael clenched his teeth, wanting to hit Leo, hard enough to knock out his god damned teeth. "Go away!" he snapped, punching towards the voice and hitting nothing but air. He tried again and this time his hand was caught in Leo's. Leo held it for a moment before Raph wrenched it away.

Leo just continued to get closer to him, apparently oblivious and not caring how Raphael felt about that. Raphael's breathing actually sped up as Leo drew nearer. He was afraid...

He... what? He mentally shook his head at himself. Why the hell was he afraid? It was Leo...

Leo stopped... close enough that Raphael could feel the heat radiating off of him, but far enough away that they weren't touching. Raphael merely sat there. Tense. And waiting.

* * *

Leonardo sighed and closed his eyes briefly. Master Splinter's words came back to him, not from tonight, but from when he first came home. His words that it was okay to do this if he wanted to. He wasn't adverse to it, and he was going to have to get Raph to trust him if he wanted to be able to help him at all with his blindness. He needed to be able to touch Raph. He needed Raph to be okay with that. He needed to break through to him. It had been two very long days so far and nothing was working. He had tried being stern. He had tried to be gentle. Hell he had even tried to get him to fight him just now. All to no effect, except when he tried to be sexual. That got a worse reaction, the reaction he was getting right now.

Fear. Raphael was cringing away from him like a trapped animal and it troubled him. He would do anything for him. What they did that night... it didn't bother him. Raph knew that. That was why he just did what he did. Teased him, let him know through action that he was okay with how Raphael felt.

Then it struck him. What if Raph didn't know he was okay with it? He reacted with hostility and anger and fear, and still was, where he sat backed up against the wall. Leo frowned.

"It's okay you know," he said quietly.

That got a response. Raphael turned his gauze covered head in his direction and made a confused "eh?" sound. Leonardo reached out, picking up one of his hands and waited a couple seconds. When Raphael didn't take his hand away, Leo placed it against his cheek.

"See?" he said gently.

Now Raphael jerked his hand away like it had been burnt. "Don't, Leo..." he said in a strained voice.

Leo leaned towards him, pleadingly. "It was okay before," he said. When Raphael was silent he elaborated. "In that room. Remember? You touched me..." He reached out for him, gently pressing a hand against Raph's shoulder.

Raphael's breathing quickened as Leo started to stroke his skin. It was nothing untoward... merely lightly petting the skin on his upper arm. "See?" he said finally after Raphael didn't move for several seconds. "It's okay..."

Something snapped. Raphael jerked away suddenly and scrambled back until he hit the bed now, putting a good ten feet between them. "No it weren't," he spat out, his face turned towards where Leo was. "You're my BROTHER. Fuck, Leo, you even resisted! I lied to ya and told ya it wasn't real but it was..." He looked like he was in pain.

"Raph..." Leo sighed heavily and came over to him slowly. He sat in front of him. He frowned. "Raphael." He said finally, an order in his tone. "Touch me."

Raphael's head jerked towards him, his mouth falling open. "Wha?" he articulated.

Leo kept the firmness in his voice. "If you can do it once you can do it again." He said.

Raphael's head tilted back and he let out a groan. "Leo..." he said."Don't do this..."

"Now, Raphael," Leonardo snapped.

For a moment Raphael's jaw worked angrily. He ducked his head down. He probably would be glowering at Leo if he could see. Yet again Leo was sure he was going to have a fight on his hands. But surprisingly it worked. Raphael sulked for a moment more, then reached out for him.

Leo didn't move as he found him and fumbled his fingers over Leo's shoulder, for his shell. Once he found it, he gripped it momentarily before letting it go again.

"God damn it," he said, his voice a low grumble.

"See? I told you it's okay Raph," Leo replied, in a gentler voice this time. He took Raphael's hand in his own and pressed it up against his cheek.

Raphael was absolutely still, including his hand. Leo could feel the tension thrumming through him. Raphael finally bit back another curse and pulled his hand away, only to have Leo catch it again in a strong grip.

"Leo, you REALLY don't wanna do this," Raphael said, a warning note in his voice.

"I do," Leo replied firmly. "Raphael..." he smoothed a hand over Raph's jaw again and sighed. "I don't know what I have to do to convince you I'm okay with this..."

Raphael turned his head away or at least tried to. Leo wouldn't let it go and finally he stuck with bowing his head, face scrunched up in pain. "You can't," he said quietly. "Damn it, Leo, stop fucking around. I'm the fucked up one, not you..."

"You sacrificed your life for mine," Leo replied patiently in a logical tone of voice. "What's this in comparison?" he asked.

Raphael was quiet for a moment before replying. "Everything," he whispered.

"No, Raph," Leo gave up trying to get him to touch him and sat down heavily beside him. "You know what's 'fucked up' as you would say?" Raphael was silent as Leo continued. "Finding out that your brother has decided to die for you so that you can live. The same brother you've spent your entire life fighting to protect. You know how that feels, Raph? When I thought I'd never see you again? I didn't CARE what we did in that room, it didn't matter to me. What mattered to me was that you never told me," now Raphael could hear hurt in Leo's voice. "You didn't trust me; you never told me how you felt..."

"I didn't know how I felt!" Raphael hissed at him. "I didn't know until you fucking DIED how I felt. I couldn't live without you, so I ifixed/i it." He suddenly felt like he had said too much and fell silent and sulky.

Leo was quiet for a long time before continuing. "If you can't live without me, why can't you live with me?" he asked a bit plaintively.

Raphael shrugged, his head facing towards the wall. "Because you're my bro," he said finally with a bit of a sigh. "And you irritate me all the time with your high and mighty talk like you know so much more better than me. Just 'cause I wanna do you don't change that any. In fact it makes it worse."

"You 'wanna do' me?" Leo repeated in an amused voice. "And for the record I think you're a stubborn ass sometimes but you don't hear me complaining."

"Funny," Raphael shot back, "You used to complain about that all the time."

Things were tense between them for a moment, and Raphael tightened his hand into a fist until he heard Leo laugh kindly. "I thought you hated me," he said.

The laughter didn't lighten the words any for Raphael. "Naw," he muttered finally. "I can't hate you. Never could."

They sat in silence for a moment longer. Leo ducked his head. "Where do we go from here?" he asked, honestly curious.

Raphael shrugged.

"Will you at least let me train with you?" Leo asked.

Raphael shrugged again and Leo made an exasperated sound. Raphael pulled a face, but when he spoke he only sounded really tired. "Yeah, Leo," he muttered.

They lapsed into silence again. Finally Leonardo decided to get up. "Call me if you need anything alright?" he said as he started for the door.

Raphael nodded. When he heard Leo's footsteps reach the entrance to the room he frowned and called out to him. "Eh, Leo..."

Leonardo turned.

"... Thanks," Raphael was still frowning but there was sincerity behind the word.

Raphael couldn't see it but Leo broke into a wide grin. "Any time." He replied.

* * *


End file.
